The morning after that incident with Suboshi, I stayed in my tent. Nakago had decided to send him to Touran with Seiryuu no miko, so I decided to just wait until he was gone so I wouldn’t have to see him. It was cold and dark outside, which seemed to match my feelings. If only there had been a slight drizzle, things would have been perfect.
I had taken care to bandage myself up properly, and after another night of sleep, my body was beginning to heal. While I was getting dressed, I looked myself over. I looked normal, for me. I mean, I’m not pretty—my shoulders are too big and masculine, and I have disproportionately huge thighs, which combine to make my head look teeny-tiny. And my hair doesn’t help. It’s stringy, and the color doesn’t flatter me at all. I like my small mouth and nose—at least, from the front—but the rest of my face is all cheek. My profile makes my face look really, really fat. I like that my breasts are big, but again, they just make my head look small. And I’m tall. If I were slender, I’d look like a man. But I’m chubby, so I just look like a gigantic monster-woman.
He sent for me again, even though it had been less than a day. When we were finished, He wanted me to stay and discuss tactics for gaining the other Shinzaho. It’s really hard to do that, you know—I mean, to just get up from sex and talk about business. I’m so obviously attached to Him, it’s kind of humiliating.
When I met Him, I believed that He was the smartest, holiest, most interesting person that I’d ever met. I’m not sure whether He told me, or whether He gave me to believe it—or whether I just made it up myself. I worshipped Him. He was my god.
And when I learned, gradually, that He isn’t—that He isn’t morally superior to me and that He isn’t any smarter than I am and that He sure isn’t any kinder than I am—it was too late. By that time, I was already so entangled in Him that I didn’t want to get out. So, He is still my god.
He did me a kindness once, and for that I will spend the rest of my life repaying Him. And every time He does something else kind for me, I am more in His debt. So you see, I will never escape, will I?
If I had refused to love Him from the very beginning, maybe I would have had a chance. But then, maybe not. I prayed so hard that I would find Him—He was so noble and so strong and so assertive—I prayed so hard that I would finally get to be with Him… My prayers were answered and of course I learned that I hadn’t really understood what I was asking for.
Too late! My fate is now inextricably woven with His. I can never love anyone else, because no one will ever measure up to His power and majesty. I can never stop loving Him, no matter what He does to me, because I am incapable. I have made my choice, and I cannot undo it. I am bound.
And now I fear Him. He knows me so well. If I were ever to think of abandoning Him, of being even the tiniest bit disloyal, He could smite me to ashes with a word. The things He could say about me would ruin me.
And I know Him very well, too. I know everything about Him—His habits, His motives. I am the only one who can see through Him, who can understand what angle He’s taking when He approaches a problem. I adore Him. I have Him memorized. His power is overwhelming.
He is everywhere. He is everything. Anything I do, He will know. He knows everything. He sees everything. Anywhere I go, He will find me. I may fear Him, I may hate Him even, but I will never, never stop loving Him.
~*~
I met Ashitare for the first time that afternoon.
He arrived while we were brainstorming. (Well, Nakago was brainstorming. I was taking notes for Him.) I hadn’t been paying attention, or I would have noticed his ki drawing nearer, but as it was, I was surprised when he came in.
I’m sorry to have to admit that the first thing I thought was, “Thank god I’m no longer the ugliest person in camp.”
I was trying so hard not to stare at him—I really didn’t want to hurt his feelings—that I honestly can’t remember much of how he looked. He was older than I am, in his thirties, maybe, and a great deal more weathered, as if he had been outside for his whole life.
I wondered where Nakago had met him, but then I remembered Nakago saying something about a freak show in the capital city. That certainly made sense, considering Ashitare’s strange looks. He looked half dog. Or maybe half wolf. I bet they treated him horribly. I felt sorry for him immediately.
Ashitare seemed very curious about me. He kept sending sidelong glances my way. However, Nakago didn’t seem to think it necessary to introduce us. He simply turned to Ashitare and began giving him instructions on how to eliminate the Suzaku seishi while they were in Touran. Nakago thought it wisest to attack them when they were alone or in small groups and pick them off one by one.
Ashitare didn’t say much. He mostly made growling noises. You know, once you got over your initial shock at his strangeness, he was kind of adorable. Like a big puppy. You know, the ones who are so ugly that they’re cute? I wanted to pet him and snuggle him and feed him table scraps.
My mommy instinct was kicking in, I guess.
He looked at me when he left. Nakago didn’t notice, which is a good thing because if He had, I probably would have had to reassure Him that I hadn’t been making eyes at Ashitare, and that I’ve given up prostitution for good, and that I had no intentions of sleeping with anybody else.
Ashitare came back to camp with the most horrible burns I’ve ever seen.
I happened to be standing outside my tent when he returned. He was a mess, just a real mess. The fur on his face was all matted with blood, and there was a big hole where one of his eyes should have been, and he was so dirty. As he walked past, I put a hand on his arm.
“What happened to you?” I asked. “You’d better come with me and I’ll bandage it for you.” But he indicated that he’d better report to Nakago before he did anything else.
I ran back to my tent for medical supplies. I was furious. What kind of people could do this to someone? Suzaku’s seishi! They didn’t even have the decency to kill somebody properly. They’d rather just mutilate him and scar up his face. That’s worse than torture! I’m not sure what they did, but it looked like they threw explosives in his eyes. Nobody treats Seiryuu’s seishi this way and gets away with it. Somebody was going to be feeling the wrath of Soi!
When I got back to Nakago’s tent, I calmed myself and quietly asked to be allowed in.
“Come in,” said Nakago.
I stepped through the curtain to the most heartbreaking thing I’d seen in a long time. Ashitare was on his hands and knees on the ground, head bowed, while Nakago whipped him so hard that the skin was coming off his back. There was blood everywhere.
“What are You doing?” I whispered stupidly.
He looked up, His face registering surprise.
“Ashitare failed to even injure a single Suzaku warrior,” He said, as if this explained everything.
“But…” I said. I didn’t want to anger Nakago, but Ashitare needed medical attention immediately.
“For god’s sake, Soi, it’s an animal,” Nakago laughed, continuing to hit Ashitare. “Don’t be such a bleeding heart. It needs to be taught what happens when it's disloyal.”
My heart dropped to my feet. Ashitare was not an animal. And if he were, it would have been wrong to hold him responsible for what had happened. I couldn’t help but wonder, is this what’s going to happen to me the next time I fail?
“Nakago…” I said, “I think they threw gunpowder or something in his face.”
“The beast fears fire, eh?” Nakago mocked, still looking at Ashitare. “So you come whimpering back with your tail between your legs.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen Nakago appear to enjoy Himself so much. He brandished the whip, grinning sadistically. “Do you know what this is, Ashitare?”
“Nakago, Ashitare’s suffered some burns,” I said as firmly as I dared. “That’s—”
He ignored me and continued berating Ashitare. “Who rescued you from being a freak show on display in the city of Kutou? I’ll make you remember.”
I stood behind Nakago and wrung my hands together helplessly, trying to catch Ashitare’s eye. He looked up once, and I tried to communicate silently how sorry I was. How much I wanted to be able to help. He held my eyes for a moment and then looked back down.
Ashitare was trying to be silent, but he kept making these awful whimpering sounds. Nakago smiled as if He liked it, but He just whipped Ashitare harder. I thought I was going to cry or scream, but I didn’t dare. I wanted to leave so I wouldn’t have to watch, but I didn’t dare do that, either. I knew that this was a message to me about what happens to people who don’t accomplish their tasks.
We were interrupted when Suboshi, followed by Seiryuu no miko, pushed open the curtain and walked in. He stopped abruptly, staring at Ashitare in horror, then looking at me for confirmation.
Seiryuu no miko pretended that Ashitare wasn’t there, although she did cower hesitantly behind Suboshi. I really, really hate her sometimes. If somebody would just take her in hand and give her a good hiding, she might get over that snotty little attitude of hers. She’s just a brat, plain and simple.
“Um… we’re back,” said Suboshi.
“Suboshi.” Nakago acknowledged him with a very impressive tone of voice. “Did you find the Shinzaho?”
Suboshi shuffled his feet and looked at the floor. Great, I thought, nobody’s done anything competent today, and I’m going to have to watch Suboshi get skinned alive, too.
“Well, about that…” he began awkwardly.
Seiryuu no miko interrupted him. “Yes, it seems we have.”
Suboshi whipped around toward her in astonishment. It would have been funny if I hadn’t been just looking at the flecks of blood on my shoes.
“Tamahome told me that they’d found the Shinzaho’s location,” said Seiryuu no miko with self-satisfaction.
I hated her so much for being able to please Him.
Nakago seemed to lose interest in Ashitare immediately. He gestured for Suzaku no miko to follow Him outside somewhere to discuss her information. As they left, I shot Suboshi a look. He hurried over, and we helped Ashitare to his feet.
There was a little tent set up for Ashitare (“So that’s who it’s for,” said Suboshi), and we helped him inside. It was empty inside, but at least it was shelter. I sent Suboshi for water and blankets to make a bed, and I got to work washing and binding and applying poultices. It was a chore to get Ashitare’s clothes off, but it had to be done. The cuts on his back were bad, but it was the burns that were the really terrible thing. The eye was permanently lost.
We didn’t speak. There was nothing we could say to each other. When I got up to go, he reached out a big, rough paw to touch my hand. His eyes were so sad, and he looked a little bit… besotted. I smiled kindly. So many people have fallen in love with me, it doesn’t make me angry or embarrassed any more. Now I just feel sorry for them. I mean, I know what it’s like to fall in love with somebody who doesn’t love you back. I know what it’s like to fall in love with somebody just because he or she did one kind thing for you.
I remembered being angry at the Suzaku seishi for hurting him. Now, I wasn’t angry any more, just sort of numb. How could I justify hating them for what they did to him, when what we did to him was even worse? And we did the same thing to Amiboshi; even if it was the Suzaku who killed him, it was us who sent him to his death. And Suboshi was probably going to be emotionally screwed-up for the rest of his life, thanks to us. Not to mention Seiryuu no miko. Even if she is really bitchy, we had no right to lie to her like we did. No wonder she’s so nasty to people—she thinks she’s been gang-raped.
Really, what is the point in all of this? What are we trying to do? All we’re doing is just hurting each other. I can’t keep this together, I really can’t. I want us to get along and be a functional team—I want us to be a family—but all of this backstabbing and secret plotting is killing us.
No, I couldn’t be angry at the Suzaku seishi. It had become obvious that they were not the enemy.
Dinner was horrible. Nakago and Seiryuu no miko were still in their conference, thank god, so I didn’t have to face either of them. I took food to Ashitare, who was still convalescing, and to Miboshi, who was too “busy” (read: antisocial) to leave his tent. Suboshi didn’t show up, so that left me with… Tomo.
It would have been beneath my dignity to leave simply because I didn’t want to see him, but I really, really wanted to do it anyway.
We didn’t speak, which was nice. Tomo is an okay person when he’s not pretending to be an evil diva. I think he knew what had happened earlier. Well, really, how could he not? It wasn’t like we were being quiet about it. Tomo even offered to let Suboshi know that the food was ready. Actually what he said was something like “I’m going to kick his puny little ass if he doesn’t get the fuck over here”, but I knew what he meant.
I went to check on Suboshi later. He was in his tent, staring at the ceiling. He’s crazy that way, with the running around, shrieking like a dying animal alternating with the staring at the ceiling. He wasn’t speaking, either. He didn’t even look at me.
I wasn’t offended, though. I knew it wasn’t me that had made him upset. He has the same problems we all do, it’s just that he’s not very good at dealing with them.
“You missed supper,” I said.
He grunted, acknowledging that I had spoken without actually having to answer.
I sighed. “Look,” I said, “I’m sorry about what happened earlier.”
He didn’t say anything.
“Okay,” I said. “So, I don’t really need to apologize because it wasn’t my fault. But I mean, I wanted you to know that this isn’t the way I wished things would have happened. I mean, with the whole you-walking-in-on-me-and-Nakago thing, and with Ashitare today, and… Anyway, I know it’s not fair that you have to be here for this stuff. It isn’t fair. And I’m gonna do my best to protect you from seeing stuff like this ever again.”
I looked at him to see if he was listening. He just sighed.
“Okay, what’s really bothering you?” I asked.
He rolled onto one side to stare at the wall. “Yui-sama,” he mumbled.
Oh, it was that.
I didn’t know what to say to him. “Don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll eventually like you”? “If you love hard enough, she’ll change her mind”? “Give it up, she’s a selfish bitch who will never care about anyone but herself”?
Take your own advice, Soi. The truth hurts.
There was nothing I could say that couldn’t be interpreted as me whining about my own problems. It wouldn’t be right to bother him with that stuff. I’m supposed to be strong, and to be there for him, and he shouldn’t have to deal with me and my issues. So I didn’t say anything. I just awkwardly tousled his hair and rubbed his back for a while. I left when I thought he was sleeping, but I couldn’t really tell. Asleep and awake are the same for him when he’s like this.
The next day, Ashitare died.
He had left early in the morning, while the rest of us were sleeping. I was a little peeved that he hadn’t woken me up first. I would have changed his bandages.
There was pain in his ki all day, but it got worse toward the afternoon. I could tell he was injured, but I wasn’t really paying attention—I assumed it was just the pain from what he had undergone yesterday.
When I felt him die, I was sitting in my tent, mending clothes. It was the most horrible pain I’ve ever felt. It was in my left thigh, in my seishi symbol. I would have screamed, but I couldn’t breathe.
It was over in a moment, and his ki was gone. The significance of this hit me like a slap in the face. Firstly, Ashitare was definitely dead. Secondly, Nakago was bound to be in a really bad mood. Thirdly, I hadn’t felt anything like this when Amiboshi’s ki went away. No sense saying anything to anyone (especially Suboshi) about it, but I would not be surprised if Amiboshi turned out to be not dead.
I wanted to cry. Everything was getting so out of control. I went to Nakago immediately. Seiryuu no miko was already there, looking very upset and confused.
I had barely exchanged a hurried greeting with her and Nakago when Suboshi burst in without knocking as usual. “Ashitare’s ki is gone! He’s dead! We have to do something!” he yelled.
Nakago looked at him. “We don’t have to do anything,” he said indifferently.
“What do you mean we don’t have to do anything?!” Suboshi cried, waving his arms about in a panic.
“Suboshi, keep your voice down in Yui-sama’s presence,” said Nakago. I tried to send the kid a warning glance, but he was too frantic to lock eyes with me.
“It’s gone!” Suboshi was still yelling. “Ashitare’s life force is gone! Can’t you feel it?!”
“The Suzaku shichiseishi probably killed him,” Nakago said matter-of-factly.
“I don’t see how you can just say that so calmly!” Suboshi was really upset. I knew he was thinking of poor Amiboshi, left to die with nobody to come to his rescue. Wisely, however—and I have to give him credit for this—he ignored the emotional approach with Nakago and appealed to practicality. “You’re just going to let them take the Shinzaho?!”
“Don’t worry,” Nakago chuckled. “It’s part of my plan.”
Of course it was.
Seiryuu no miko sent Nakago a questioning look. She acted as though she were actually surprised that Nakago’s plans included some of us dying.
Nakago explained that Ashitare’s death did not matter, since he was pretty much a useless freak, but that he did kill one of the Suzaku seishi before he died. Either Nakago had super-fast spies, or He was really sensitive to Suzaku ki. I told you, He actually does know everything!
Nakago said that He had some respect for Ashitare, since at least he actually managed to kill a Suzaku warrior. Suboshi and I looked at each other in terror. That insinuation was a meaningful warning to us.
“But why,” said Seiryuu no miko, as if her opinion actually mattered, “are we not doing something about this? Surely we’re not going to just allow this to happen? Why don’t we just go get the Shinzaho and leave?”
In His sweetest voice, with just a tiny touch of a patronizing air, Nakago explained to her that the people of Hokkan are enemies with Kutou and that there are disembodied Genbu seishi guarding the Shinzaho who would definitely not let any Seiryuu seishi near the holy site, much less get their hands on the relic itself. Our plan was to let Suzaku no miko get the Shinzaho and then take it from her.
Suboshi and I looked at each other. I could tell he hadn’t known about the dead warriors, either.
“Genbu seishi without bodies?” asked Seiryuu no miko, nervously.
“Yes,” replied Nakago dramatically. “Even I could never beat opponents like them. Why do you think Kutou doesn’t dare to attack this country?”
“Then, from the start, you wanted Miaka and the others to…”
“Yes,” He answered. “We need only wait for them to get it.”
“But who was it? The one that fought with Ashitare?” Seiryuu no miko asked with trembling voice. Suboshi gazed at her adoringly. No doubt he thought she was concerned about Ashitare. I’m pretty sure she was just hoping that it wasn’t Tamahome who had been killed.
“That wasn’t part of the plan,” admitted Nakago, not answering the question. “I never expected Ashitare to kill one of the Suzaku shichiseishi.”
Wait… He hadn’t expected what?! So He sent Ashitare on an assignment believing that he would fail?
“You meant to use Ashitare as cannon fodder?” I gasped unbelievingly.
Luckily, Nakago was too pleased to get angry with me. “A proper use for an incompetent fool, wasn’t it?” He shrugged.
I had to leave. It hurts, it really hurts, when the Person you love and idolize most in all the world reveals Himself as morally lacking in some way. But this... this was more than morally lacking. More like lacking morality. Why, gods, why do I have to be doomed to loving a man who not only doesn't love me back, but also turns out to be pure evil?
I love Him so much. That's why I get upset when He's not perfect.
Suboshi and I walked Seiryuu no miko to her tent.
“Go tell Tomo and Miboshi what happened,” I said.
Suboshi made a face. “Why?” he asked angrily. “It’s not like they didn’t feel it, too.”
“Yeah, but they should know that he killed one of the Suzaku warriors,” I said. “Please, Suboshi? Please? I’ll owe you a big favor.” I really didn’t want to face those two at the moment.
“Fine,” he sighed.
~*~
Late that afternoon, as the sun was starting to think about setting, I stood with Nakago outside His tent. Tomo and Miboshi were still being asocial—Tomo had told me, somewhat sarcastically, that he needed to “watch his complexion”—and Suboshi was in Seiryuu no miko’s tent, looking smitten and sucking up.
Men! You can see it all over their faces when they’re infatuated. I don’t look like that when I’m around Nakago, do I? I don’t think I do. Not anymore, anyway. You can only keep up blind adoration for so long. Now, when I’m with Him, my face looks… sad.
I don’t remember what we were talking about. Whatever it was, it didn’t really matter. All thoughts of the conversation left my mind when I turned around to see an enormous wolf standing right in front of me. There was some sort of necklace in its mouth.
The wolf looked up at me and wagged its tail before dropping the necklace into Nakago’s hand. I was a little nervous, but he was obviously tame, so I patted him.
“Soi, Ashitare has returned,” said Nakago.
“This… this wolf?” I asked. I was confused. So, if Ashitare wasn’t dead, then why was his ki gone? And why did he not look human any more?
“Oh, I didn’t tell you, did I?” said Nakago absently. Turning to me, he explained, “Wolf’s blood ran through Ashitare’s body. When his human form died, his true wolf’s side emerged.”
Turning to Ashitare, Nakago said, “So, this is the Shinzaho. You’ve done well.” Ashitare wagged his tail, his tonguing lolling out of his mouth. He looked so pleased with himself! He must have grabbed the Shinzaho from Suzaku no miko after she got it from the Genbu seishi.
“I’ve no more use for you,” continued Nakago, and He killed him.
“Nakago!” I gasped.
“I have no more use for him now that he’s reverted into an ordinary mongrel,” he said unconcernedly. “As long as we have the Shinzaho.”
He took the necklace and went back inside his tent.
I just stood there, looking at the body. And I remembered the first person I ever saw Nakago kill. It was the first person I ever saw killed at all, actually. I hadn't had that memory in a long time. I had been trying not to have that memory...
I couldn’t move. My heart was beating so fast, skipping beats… I was dizzy. I was lightheaded. I couldn’t breathe. It felt like there was a huge weight on my chest. I was shaking and sweating, even though I was really cold. Well, I was cold on the outside. My skin was cold. On the inside, I was so, so hot… I wanted to take off all of my clothes, but I knew I’d freeze to death on my skin and anyway my hands were shaking so that I couldn’t have undone the ties and clasps.
Oh, god, I thought, I’m really losing it this time. I’m going crazy. I’m losing control of myself. I know I’m going to die. Damn it, this is why I try not to have memories like this.
I looked up—the sky was white. I looked down—the ground was white. Which way was up? Where was I?
I fell onto Ashitare’s soft, warm body, and I hugged it and sobbed, but no tears came out of my eyes.
I don’t know how long it was before Tomo came out and found me.
“What are you doing?” he sneered. I looked up at him, still clutching Ashitare’s fur in both hands. He looked a little surprised, but he hid it. I think I only noticed because I know him well. I might know him better than anybody does. I think that’s why he doesn’t like me: because I’m the only one who really understands what he did with his body and what that means.
“Are you crying in the snow? Over a dead dog?” he raised a delicately manicured eyebrow. “I didn’t know you fancied yourself a drama queen, Soi. Ew, did you touch it? You should wash your hands. It might have mites or something. Disgusting. That’s just pathetic. Get up.”
He hefted me to my feet and shoved me toward my tent. “You look like shit, by the way,” he added.
“That’s Ashitare,” I choked on the words. “He doesn’t have mites.”
Tomo rolled his eyes at me. “Get out of here. Shoo! I’ll take care of... the carcass.” He shuddered dramatically, as though all the mites in the world were crawling over his shoulders.
I obediently went into my tent and washed my hands in a half-frozen bucket of water.
I don’t know what Tomo did with Ashitare’s body, but the next time I came out, it was gone.