I didn’t hear my tent flap open, so when I sensed someone behind me, I yelled, tore around, and fried him. I tend to do that a lot... People shouldn’t sneak up on me.
Miboshi looked very annoyed.
Luckily, he had had the sense to diffuse my attack. He narrowed his eyes. “We’re breaking camp,” he said shortly. “But Nakago wants you to stay here with him. He’s waiting to meet with someone.”
I sighed. Nakago had been filling us in less and less often. I had no idea what the Plan was now, except that it somehow involved getting the other Shinzaho. “Are we going to Sairou?” I asked.
Miboshi shrugged indifferently.
“Well, why am I supposed to stay behind? Did He tell you why?”
He shrugged again and shook his head, playing with his prayer wheel absentmindedly. “I’m guessing it won’t be for very long. You’re supposed to pack up all of your things and send them ahead with us.”
One thing I’ve learned is that it’s best not to think about bad things. When you’re busy, they don’t come unbidden to your mind. So I stayed busy. I kept an eye out for a disturbance in the snow, or some other clue as to what Tomo had done with Ashitare’s body, but I didn’t see anything like that.
It takes a while, you know, to pack up a campsite where seven people have been living, especially since I didn’t have anyone competent to help me. Nakago was busy with something in His tent, so I was in charge. But Miboshi and Tomo never listen to me, and I don’t really like dealing with Seiryuu no miko, so that left me and Suboshi to do all of the work.
You can pitch any of these tents by yourself, but it’s difficult. Taking them down is easier, though. The only thing that’s hard about it is trying to get them folded up tightly, so they’ll take up the smallest possible space. Suboshi got frustrated with his tent and did a really messy job, so I had to do it over again. I snapped at him for it, but apologized quickly. I needed him on my side if I didn’t want total chaos. It bothers me how irritable I am sometimes.
“Look,” I said, trying to think of something he wouldn’t be likely to shirk. “Why don’t you go see if Miko-sama needs any help with her things?”
He thought that was a great idea, and scampered off immediately.
So, I had to do all of the tents myself. But at least I didn’t have to deal with him being underfoot. And it was easier to be alone, because I didn’t have to spend so much energy trying not to be crabby. I spent my time alone thinking about how to organize all of our things so that they would fit.
We had the carriage that Seiryuu no miko had ridden in, but it had to be pulled by one of the horses, so it didn’t save us that much room. There were only five horses total, and since Nakago and I were keeping two of them with us, we had to load up two of them so that they couldn’t be ridden. Miboshi realized this first and claimed the place beside Yui-sama in the carriage. Tomo threw a fit. Suboshi pouted.
The horses were also displeased. By the time I had finished, each was carrying much more than its fair share. We had used up a lot of the food, but on the other hand, it seemed like Tomo’s items had multiplied. And Nakago brought out a lot of the things from His tent. He said He wanted them to take everything He didn’t need immediately, since it was possible that He and I would be leaving His tent and its contents here when we left.
Finally, His tent was the only one standing. It actually didn’t take us as long as I’d thought it would to break camp. This was probably because Nakago had made it quite clear to Tomo and Miboshi that they needed to get out of camp As Soon As Possible. And Seiryuu no miko had no reason to want to prolong her time with Suboshi.
It was nice when everyone else left. I hardly ever get to be alone with Nakago—I mean, we’re often alone together, but not when there’s no danger of interruption.
I didn’t expect that He would ask me to cook.
I’m not that good at cooking—He’s always made that perfectly clear—but, it seems, He thinks I’m better at it than He is. That’s a compliment! I was so happy to be useful to Him. He had a detailed menu that He dictated to me, and He had all the supplies ready.
It was relaxing, actually, to work. I really like cooking, and I was being extra careful to make everything look as beautiful as possible. I couldn’t help but wonder about the identity of the “important visitor”, but I didn’t dare say anything about it. Nakago had deliberately Not Said who the visitor was, and it hung in the air, begging me to ask. I could tell He wanted me to inquire, but I think it was because He wanted an excuse to snap at somebody. So I didn’t say anything.
I was just finishing up and setting the table in Nakago’s tent when I felt her ki approaching. Nakago noticed me straighten in surprise, and He smirked.
“I can’t believe it,” I said. “She’s... alone?”
“It’s a great Plan. A stroke of genius,” He said.
I followed His lead and reaffirmed this. He’s so cute sometimes; He needs compliments, but He won’t ask for them. He just sets up the conversation to give other people the chance to say nice things to Him. And then He gets really cranky if they don’t.
“Finish what you’re doing and get out of here, Soi,” He instructed. I hurried to clean up, loading onto my horse all of the extra supplies and utensils I had used.
I took the horses and went a little way into the woods. I stayed there for a long time, waiting to be summoned. I hate being alone because it gives me a chance to think.
I was desperate to keep my mind occupied, so I played games with myself. I gathered up a bunch of sticks and made them into a village of little houses. Then I took pinecones and gave them all names. I put them in families and made up histories for them. Mostly, they were all cheating on each other and having rapacious, incestuous relationships. There were several duels, and a lot of brutal murders. One little pinecone killed herself by jumping off her roof onto a big pile of stones.
It was kind of fun.
I hadn’t realized how much time was passing, but it was dark, and probably very late, when I felt Tamahome draw near. I figured this was a good reason for me to get back to camp. I was pretty far away, though, so by the time I got back, he and Nakago were standing in the middle of a clearing, facing each other. I could tell from their ki that they were both enraged before I could see their angry stances and infuriated expressions.
“What... did you do... to Miaka?” I heard Tamahome growl, his jaw clenched. Then, as I rode as fast as I could to get there in time, he released the most amazing burst of power that I had seen in... ever, maybe.
“Why you...!” Nakago seethed.
My lord looked terrible. His shoulder... When had Tamahome become that powerful? This was very, very bad. Before, when they were just a bunch of mediocre, inexperienced children, it hadn’t mattered so much that we relied so heavily on Nakago. It hadn’t mattered so much that we had already lost two of our seishi...
“Soi!” said Nakago, seeing me.
“Nakago, please get on Your horse, quickly!” I cried, riding between him and Tamahome.
“Shit!” said Tamahome to himself in amazement. “I had that kind of power?” He thought for a moment. “That’s right. Miaka...”
I ignored him. He wasn’t important. After Nakago got on His horse, we rode off, our horses pelting into the blackness.
“Are You all right?” I asked. “After treating Your wound, please lie with me again. That’ll increase Your power.”
He grunted to acquiesce, but there were more important things for Him to think about. “Tamahome...” He muttered. “I’ll pay you back with interest.”
~*~
Evidently, Seiryuu no miko and the others had traveled very quickly, so we didn’t catch up with them until sundown of the next day.
They had set up the tents in a completely stupid place—nowhere near any shade—so they were probably frying alive. Honestly! Miboshi may have things that are more intellectual on his mind, but I would at least expect Tomo to have some common sense. Well, actually, never mind. I wouldn’t expect Tomo to have common sense.
When we arrived in camp, Seiryuu no miko had draped herself in her tent, sweating profusely, fanning herself with anything she could find. Tomo had opened up both sides of his tent, letting the air blow through. Miboshi and Suboshi were nowhere to be found.
There were two other tents set up—sloppily, so I assume it was Suboshi’s work—and I directed the horses toward the larger one. Sure enough, Nakago’s things were arranged in it. So Tomo had done something.
Nakago had been even more taciturn than usual. As a rule, He at least wants to talk about His Plans, or about how someone else annoys Him. Then it’s my job to sympathize. But He hadn’t said much at all. His shoulder must have been really hurting. It certainly looked awful. I had done what I could, but healing is just something I learned—it’s not my seishi power or anything.
Seiryuu no miko had wandered out of her tent when she saw us arrive. She opened her mouth, to start whining, no doubt, but I wouldn’t have any of it.
“Go get the others,” I ordered her, not bothering with deferential language. Nakago was seriously hurt, and I didn’t feel like pretending to respect her. She looked shocked and angry, but I gave her a look, and she ran off.
Evidently, the only one who would do what she said was Suboshi—big surprise there—so when she returned, he was the only one on her heels. Seiryuu no miko started fussing over Nakago, getting in my way and making me really angry. She was commanding the attention of the man I loved, she was torturing Suboshi, and she was preventing me from doing my job.
Suboshi looked repulsed by the wound.
“I did some emergency treatment for it on the way here,” I said, “but He’s still badly hurt.”
“Then let’s rest here for a while!” said Seiryuu no miko quickly.
“We mustn’t do that,” Nakago disagreed. “We must get to Sairou quickly.”
“No!” said Yui-sama. All of our heads turned swiftly to look at her. “Not while you’re this badly hurt!” she continued. “That’s an order!”
I looked at her in amazement. That might have been the first time she actually did something as miko. It just goes to show, everybody’s complicated.
“As you wish,” said Nakago.
Suboshi was making gagging noises. “It’s practically melted!” he said with admiring disgust. “Who could have done that?” I shot him an I’ll tell you later look.
As much as Seiryuu no miko annoys me, I was grateful for the few days’ rest. Nakago really did need some time to just sit and not do anything.
Soon after Suboshi and Yui-sama left, Tomo arrived, looking pleased with himself. He looked shocked at Nakago’s wound. I think that Tomo thought that Nakago was invincible.
“What’s the matter, Nakago?” asked Tomo, panicking. “It’s not very often you get injured.”
“Tomo?” Nakago looked up.
They immediately started talking strategy.
“Everything is going according to plan,” began Tomo. “Now that Suzaku no miko is no longer a virgin, all we need is to get our hands on Sairou’s Shinzaho.”
No longer a virgin? So that was the plan. Why wasn’t I in on it?
Oh gods, that’s horrible. I wish... I wish that actions like that weren’t necessary.
“Suzaku no miko is still a virgin,” said Nakago nonchalantly.
“Yes, still a virgin,” repeated Tomo. He did a double take. “What did you say?”
“I didn’t have sex with Suzaku no miko,” said Nakago resignedly. “A red light emanated from her body. It served as a barrier and I couldn’t lay a hand on her. The power that lay within the girl shut me out completely.”
He sounded too tired to be angry.
Tomo would never be disrespectful, but I could tell that he was pissed. “Considering who you are,” he protested, “you must’ve been able to defeat the powers of such a little girl!”
“She may not look like much, but she’s still a miko,” argued Nakago. “Besides, I wasn’t in the mood to screw someone unconscious.”
I felt a warm pride. See? He is a good person, after all. Deep inside, there’s a line that He won’t cross.
But Tomo obviously felt differently. “What are you saying?” he cried. “It was such a great opportunity!”
“That girl believes she was raped like Yui-sama,” argued Nakago. “That’s as good as our objective being achieved.”
“I understand,” said Tomo with a pretentious air. He was obviously displeased, but he knew better than to keep arguing. “Leave Suzaku no miko to me. But before that, I have to torture Tamahome!”
He was very angry about Nakago’s injuries. I felt somehow that I should be, too, but I wasn’t. I can’t be angry at people any more. We’re all bad. And that doesn’t make me angry. It makes me sad.
“I’ll borrow Soi’s powers to do so,” continued Tomo, sending a glance my way. I looked back at him. I didn’t mind working with him. At least he was a competent ally. And I guess we don’t actually dislike each other, even though we bicker a lot. Well, I don’t dislike him. Who knows what he’s thinking? We get along pretty well when it counts.
...If all of us could cooperate, we would have probably been able to get either Shinzaho with very little trouble.
I just wanted to get this whole thing over with—dispose of the Suzaku seishi, get the Shinzaho, summon Seiryuu, and go home.
“Do as you please,” said Nakago to Tomo with an aggrieved tone. “Although they may be injured and crippled, those little birds keep coming back at us. Send them to their graves quickly.” He likes using extended metaphors. He’s so smart!
It didn’t take us long to get ready. I did a quick check to make sure that Suboshi was okay, but he was fawning over Yui-sama, who had been shooed out of Nakago’s tent.
I followed Tomo away from the camp to the top of a cliff that overlooked a great expanse of desert. Away in the distance, there was a small group of people, moving about in seemingly random patterns. Tomo looked pleased with himself, so I could tell that I was supposed to notice the people.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“Suzaku’s seishi, thanks to my clam, are seeing an illusion of Sairou,” he explained smugly. “Extreme heat during the day, and nipping cold weather at night—they will eventually dehydrate and die.”
“And what do you want me to do?” I asked unenthusiastically. It looked like he pretty much had the situation under control.
“Soi,” said Tomo, “You have command over the sexual power control technique, right?” It was a rhetorical question. “Through sexual intercourse,” he continued, “you can do whatever you please with a man’s power.”
He continued, “Nakago suffered his injury by Tamahome’s hand, right?”
I nodded, apprehensive about where this was going.
“He has definitely become much stronger,” observed my companion. “We’ll have you weaken his powers through sexual intercourse.”
I didn’t say anything.
Nobody had asked me to do something like that since I had come to the palace.
I tried not to look distressed.
If I get out of control, it will be bad, I thought. If I get out of control, it will be dangerous. I won’t think about it, I won’t think about it, I won’t—Emotions are unacceptable. Just look at what happened to Suboshi. This is why I don’t let myself have strong emotions any more. Because if I get out of control, bad things will happen.
I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples.
Tomo waited until I opened them again before taking my chin in one of his hands and forcing me to make eye contact with him.
“Soi...” he said. I frowned.
“Soi!” he said sharply.
I looked at him.
“I know what I’m asking you to do,” he said with a hard, quiet voice. “I know exactly how unpleasant and distasteful and ugly it is. I’d do it myself if I could. But you have to do it. You’re good at it, and it’s your job.”
He was right, and he knew that I knew that he was right.
“Just remember why we’re doing this,” he said, letting me go.
And I did. It was all in a neat little chain. If we kill the Suzaku seishi, we can get the Shinzaho. If we get the Shinzaho, we can summon Seiryuu. If we summon Seiryuu, Nakago can have whatever He wishes. And Nakago’s wish will undoubtedly be best for Kutou.
I bowed my head. Then Tomo transformed me into the shape of Suzaku no miko. I only took a moment to look at my new body. I was jealous. Suzaku no miko’s body is much cuter and more inspirational than mine ever has been.
I carefully applied beeswax to my lips. Then, being carefully not to touch my skin, I dabbed a liquid aphrodisiac over the beeswax. I was glad I had thought to bring it with me. I hadn’t needed to use it for years, but at one time, I was quite familiar with it. It works very well.
The other seishi were inexorably bound up in Tomo’s spell, so Tomo and I could concentrate on dispatching Tamahome. We found him wandering alone in an empty city, followed by a little cat. He was talking to the cat. It was kind of cute.
When Tamahome saw me, his eyes lit up. That hurt. Suzaku no miko is very fortunate.
“Miaka!” he cried.
“Tamahome!” I responded. It seemed appropriate.
“Miaka!” He embraced me. “You’re all right! I was looking for you! Don’t ever make me go through that again.”
That hurt, too.
We snuggled for a moment. Through the power haze created by Tomo’s illusion, I suddenly felt energy flare—Amiboshi’s ki? No, it must have been Suboshi’s. He was probably just mad and throwing a fit again. The energy was pretty strong, though... He must be really upset, I thought.
I ignored it. This was no time to be playing mother to Suboshi.
Tamahome kissed me.
It took a moment, but then a strange look passed over his face.
“What’s the matter?” I asked with false concern. Miaka would have been concerned.
“Well,” he answered with a frown, “all of a sudden, I feel like I’m burning up inside... It’s weird.”
“You’re probably exhausted from the heat,” I said. “Let’s get some rest somewhere.”
I tugged at his hand, leading him to a broken-down windmill. It was a little cooler inside, especially since the sun was starting to go down. In a few hours, it would be very cold in the desert. There was nothing here to hold in the heat.
Sand had drifted all over the stone floor. I picked my way across. I didn’t want sand in my shoes, even though I knew I’d be taking them off soon.
There was a sort of raised stone dais in a dark corner. I led him there.
He told me that he loved her.
Well, he said that he loved me. But he didn’t really know what he was talking about, so it doesn’t count.
“I love you, too...” I said. I felt horrible. I wanted to cry. But of course I did not.
He wasn’t that great at kissing, but his thoughtfulness was new to me. He was eager, but very gentle. I wished... I really wished that I had had somebody so tender for my first lover. Then memories flashed at me and I had to swallow them back down—hard—and not think about them.
I had him undressed in a matter of minutes.
I felt sick, I really did. It was awful. But I’m a good actress—at least, I think I am—and I pretended, just the same as I always did before. I want to be with you... I want you... I love you... All the lies that had become less and less sharply painful and settled down into a dull ache... They came back at me and stabbed me in the face. I was going to hurt him. And then I thought about Amiboshi and Suboshi, and what I would do to any girl who did to them what I was doing to Tamahome. And I thought about Tomo, and I thought about me as a little girl, and I thought about what I wanted to do to the people who hurt us. And I thought about all the people I had ever known, and all of the sadness was shining out through my eyes.
And then I thought about Him, and I kept pretending.
There is so much sadness in the world, and I can’t do anything to stop it. Why should I fight against it? I may as well just let it flow through me. It’s going to use me as its instrument whether I want it to or not, and it’ll hurt less if I just acquiesce...
I didn’t let Tamahome see what I was thinking. He was going to get hurt, and I was hurting to hurt him, but some things must be done regardless of whom they hurt.
At the last moment, when he stopped me, I panicked.
“Tamahome, what’s wrong?” I asked, a little afraid. I hope it’s not my fault, I thought. If this is my fault, and I’ve screwed up again... I’m going to be in so much trouble. And Nakago will be upset, and...
“No, we can’t do this yet,” said Tamahome thickly, not very well able to articulate his thoughts.
“Why?” I suspiciously asked.
“You haven’t summoned Suzaku yet,” he answered, shaking his head to clear it.
What?
What?
What? That didn’t make any sense. He couldn’t be that naive.
“But, I was...” I stuttered, “by Nakago... I lost the ability to summon Suzaku!”
“No, I won’t believe that,” he answered with confidence. “I... I don’t know how to put this, but no matter what happens, we shouldn’t just give up. If we do, then everything will have been for nothing. If there’s even the slightest chance, we have to believe in that, Miaka.”
I stared at him, dumbfounded. Why didn’t the drug work? I still don’t understand. I’ve never met a man who, if given the slightest excuse, would put aside his own desire so easily. He held that much hope? He must really love her.
“Sorry about that.” Tamahome grinned awkwardly. Then he stood up. “All right, let’s go!”
I sat up and stared at him idiotically.
Suddenly, Tomo appeared in the doorway. “Soi, I can see that you’ve failed,” he said grandly.
But Tomo failed, too. Tamahome got away. Tomo gave chase, but I remained, slowly dressing myself.
It was night already. I knew the way back to camp, but I wasn’t in a hurry to get back. Tomo and I were both going to be in a lot of trouble. I thought of Ashitare. I never, never wanted to do anything that would deserve that kind of punishment. But now I had! I was afraid to go back, and I was afraid not to go back.
The world around me was ablaze with ki. Tamahome was fighting Tomo. I could sense the other Suzaku seishi, out in the desert somewhere. Nakago and Seiryuu no miko were in our camp. Miboshi was a long way away, running an errand for Nakago. Suboshi was... coming closer? What an idiot. Suzaku no miko was very near... probably in the village over the next swell.
The village was blazing, too. Flames lapped around the edges of all of the buildings. There was the low murmur of people running and shouting off in the distance. What an awful night—things didn’t seem to be going right for anybody.
And then there was an explosion of ki that startled me so much that I stopped walking and swung ‘round to stare at the flickering shadows that made up the village. There was DEATH in that ki.
How the hell was Suboshi in two places at once?
Oh.
Well, of course. That makes sense.
Lucky Amiboshi—he got away. I was glad for him. For a moment.
Then I realized how much trouble we were all going to be in. I don’t think I could take it if Nakago threatened Amiboshi or Suboshi. I would have to... I would have to let myself be punished instead. Because, after all, the twins are my responsibility. And anything they do wrong is my failure. Maybe... Maybe I can make Nakago see that point, and He won’t discipline them.
So now there were six strands of Suzaku ki and six of Seiryuu ki whipping around the world and entwining in my own.
It was a painful descent to the road.
I walked a few steps toward the village, wondering... No, Amiboshi was not hurt. But he had come closer... he had passed me and was headed toward Tomo and Tamahome. Maybe he was going to help Tomo? That wouldn’t be a very fair fight for Tamahome...
I was surprised when Suzaku no miko practically walked into my face. She had been running away from the fight.
“Soi!” she exclaimed fearfully.
“Where do you think you’re going, Suzaku no miko?” I asked ironically. “The Tamahome you love isn’t in the direction you’re going.”
I expected her to answer that she was running to find her other seishi to bring him help. It was inconceivable to me that she would not try to help the man who loved her so much.
After all, look what I have done for the one I love.
“I’m no longer with Tamahome,” said Suzaku no miko, looking as though she were going to burst into tears.
“You’ve broken up?” I didn’t believe it. “It didn’t seem like it, at least not to Tamahome.”
I found that I didn’t know how to speak to her, except with teasing and taunting.
“You actually saw Tamahome?” asked Miaka with an expression that was... something. Hopeful? Concerned? Terrified?
I found that I didn’t hate her. I... envied her. Even more than I had from the beginning. I... I wanted... to protect her. Because if there were one young girl that could be saved from all of the hate and the humiliation and the pain that exist in the world... If there were one young girl who was pure and hopeful, one girl who wasn’t ruined, who didn’t despair, who didn’t lie awake every night in terror of the nightmares, who didn’t scrape at her skin in frustration... If there were one girl who never discovered the brutality of Love...
If a girl like that existed, then the little girl whom I had been could sleep at night.
I had to protect that.
“For an enemy, he’s such an admirable man,” I said. I smiled sadly. “He said... that he’ll believe in even the most remote possibility...”
Miaka looked up at me.
“Why are you telling me such things?” she asked suspiciously. “Why aren’t you trying to kill me?”
“Well... I myself wonder why...” I said slowly. Humorlessly, I added, “If you had actually slept with Nakago, I wouldn’t have hesitated to kill you.”
It sounded like an accidental slip of the tongue, as though I had been speaking without thinking out the implications. But I knew—trust me, I knew—what exactly such a statement would mean to her.
“What?” whispered Miaka. “That means...! Then, I’m still...”
She looked at me in confusion.
“Tamahome’s near the cliff over there, but he’s going to die for sure.” I indicated the direction with a flick of my hand. “I wouldn’t go there if I were you.”
I tried not to let the bitterness seep into my voice, but it was impossible to keep it out. She had better take my advice and go find her other seishi first.
“Tamahome is...?” Miaka’s whole face brightened.
“If you go,” I said meaningfully, “You won’t get off so easily next time.”
But she was already scampering away. “Tamahome!” she called. “Tamahome!” What an idiot, I thought to myself. Jumping into danger just for Tamahome’s sake. But... I wonder what it feels like when two people love each other at the same time.
~*~
I was right. I did get in trouble.
He didn’t have to tell me how much trouble I was in. I just knew.
But He was so preoccupied that He didn’t have time to think up anything very humiliating for me. I was grateful, but then I felt guilty. I truly did feel sorry for Him, being so stressed. And... I hadn’t been a very good seishi, all told.
I slunk back into camp and went directly to my tent, figuring it was best to wait until I was sent for.
It hurt a lot when Tomo died. The pain from Ashitare was nothing compared to this. I saw stars. I couldn’t stand up for fifteen minutes. All of the ki was laced with pain—Amiboshi had somehow gotten seriously hurt, Suboshi was crazy-angry... How on earth had Tamahome managed to defeat all three of them?
Then Amiboshi’s ki went away again.
Suboshi came back late. I waited up for him. His clothes were torn and covered in blood. His facial features were twisted up in a grimace that frightened me a little. I pulled him into his tent and got to work fixing him up.
“What happened?” I said in a low voice as I helped wash the blood off his face.
He shrugged. “Tomo hurt my brother, I killed Tomo, I forced my brother to drink bohkyaku, I took him back to the village,” he said very quickly under his breath. “Suzaku no miko and Tamahome got away. But I’ll get them next time.”
Bohkyaku? That explained a lot.
I didn’t know what to say to him. What could I possibly say? Suboshi was in no mood for comfort, anyway.
“Why was Amiboshi fighting Tomo?” I asked, curious.
“He was helping Suzaku no miko, and he said... Um, he said... He told me that he wanted to stop fighting and just live peacefully. But I heard him say to Tomo that he... That he wished he were born a Suzaku seishi.”
Big, fat tears burst out of Suboshi’s eyes, but he snarled and choked on them, not wanting to cry. I grabbed him and squeezed him tightly in my arms. He stood, shaking with rage, and let me hold him, until he turned and wrapped his arms around my waist.
“I’ll never see him again,” he whispered suddenly into my shoulder.
“You did the right thing back there,” I answered quietly. Thanks to Suboshi, at least one of us would be free of this mess.
He looked up at me with round, wet eyes. “Don’t tell Yui-sama what I did,” he begged.
“I won’t,” I promised. “But you’d better go to bed now. We’re both going to be in trouble tomorrow.”
He nodded.
I returned to my tent and cried for hours. I’m sure it wasn’t a hard choice for Suboshi—whether to help Tomo or his own brother, I mean—but Tomo’s death frightened and upset me. What would we do without him? He was the only one who understood me.
On the other hand, Tomo could take care of himself, and Amiboshi was practically a child. I probably would have taken Amiboshi’s side, too.
How on earth did Suboshi become so immune to death? When exactly did he stop being a little boy and start being a whirlwind of bitterness? I hadn’t done my job correctly... I should have seen it coming and stopped it. I should have... I don’t know what I should have done! What, what exactly, did I do wrong?
I wasn’t allowed to see Suboshi after that. Well, it wasn’t explicitly stated, but everything was arranged so that we were never together.
All in all, however, I was surprised at how calmly Nakago seemed to take the defeat. I was sure He was unhappy to lose Tomo. On the other hand, it became quite clear how little He cared about Amiboshi. He didn’t say one thing or another about the situation, even though Suboshi quaked whenever anything like the subject was broached. He didn’t punish Suboshi for getting rid of Amiboshi, and He didn’t punish Suboshi for killing Tomo.
But I was shunned. Nobody spoke to me. Well, except for Miboshi. He made cruel comments to my face, but Nakago ignored them, so he got worse and worse. Nakago ignored everything about me. It was the most terrible time of my life.
I didn’t sleep or eat very much. I didn’t say very much, either. I felt hollow and frightened all the time.
It seemed like ages later—although it was only a few days—when we reached the city of Sairou. Traveling was awful. I hadn’t realized how much Tomo had affected the group dynamics. Nakago was pensive and quiet. Miboshi was smug and quiet. Seiryuu no miko was morose and quiet. I was terrified and quiet.
Suboshi was hyper. Everyone snapped at him, and Nakago boxed his ears. Then Suboshi was sullen and quiet.
There was a Plan, but I wasn’t privy to it, and I didn’t bother asking. I didn’t want to feel the pain of having my question ignored. Miboshi left somewhere in a hurry, and I sort of half-heartedly followed everyone else into the building. It was a temple. I could sense the spiritual energy that permeated the area. There was evil here, but I was not afraid of it.
Nakago showed me a room where I could wait. There was a window, and I sat and looked out. In the garden, there was a dying bush, like the one outside Suboshi’s window in Kutou. This time, though, it didn’t make me feel better to see something else that was hurting as much as I was.
I was all broken. There was no hope. And I didn’t want to see anybody else hurt. What happened to my dream—the one where there exists a little girl who doesn’t get hurt—what happened to it?
It’s not true. Everybody gets hurt. Everybody goes through years of suffering and humiliation. And then everybody dies.
I felt when Miboshi returned. He brought with him somebody whose ki I didn’t recognize. It was seishi ki, but not from Seiryuu nor Suzaku. It must have been Byakko.
Suzaku no miko was nearby, too.
Why, oh why, didn’t she stay away? I feel so powerless. I can’t protect anybody... I would have been a terrible mother.
That thought made me very, very sad. Because to be a mother has been my dream since I can remember. What I wanted for my life was a family to take care of. And it hurt very much to think that I wasn’t suited for the thing that I wanted most in all the world.
Seiryuu no miko seemed unreasonably nervous. I heard her whispering to Nakago behind a screen.
“Suboshi killed Tomo?” she said, shocked.
So much for keeping that a secret.
“Yes,” said Nakago. “He went out on his own to meet his brother, and Suzaku no miko and the others arrived here without a scratch.”
Nakago spat out the words in disgust. Well, it wasn’t that dramatic—He isn’t very expressive of His emotions. But He does have them, and I know Him better than anyone in the world, and I could tell that He was angry. But if He was so angry, why hadn’t He even reprimanded Suboshi? Perhaps He was waiting.
I hate waiting. It's better when He punishes us at once, instead of dragging it out, making us tread nervously for weeks at a time. But I suppose that the torture of waiting is the punishment. And we screw up a lot. So there’s nothing to complain about, I guess.
“What’s the matter, Yui-sama?” asked Nakago in a voice that I could tell was meant to sound concerned.
“I’m scared,” she whimpered. “It’s as though some unseen force keeps moving around some unknown place, and I seem to be losing everything, one by one.”
That may have been the most astute thing I’d ever heard her say. It changed my opinion of her. She was still a bitch, but I would no longer be able to think of her as stupid. She's very intelligent.
“Yui-sama, you’ll always have me around,” said Nakago. His voice was flat. I could tell He wasn’t sincere, but I doubt that Yui-sama could. “There’s absolutely nothing you should be afraid of.”
“Really?” asked Yui-sama hopefully.
“Of course,” answered Nakago with the same flat voice. “Because I love you.”
He kissed her.
And I died.
He’s never kissed me. I’ve kissed Him. But He’s never kissed me. Even if His kiss with Yui-sama wasn’t sincere, it was still affection. I would love to receive feigned affection from Him.
He will never give it to me. I think it’s because...
I think it’s because He respects me too much. He respects me too much to lie to me, so He won’t pretend to love me. He doesn’t love me, but He respects me. I should be satisfied with that. I should be proud that He thinks of me as an ally, instead of as a puppet.
But I’m not! I’m not satisfied! I would be His puppet—I would do anything—if He would only love me!
Miboshi was there to see all of it. “With Seiryuu no miko as competition, you aren’t even a rival in love, right, Soi?” he cackled. Scores of demonic minions stood behind him and echoed his laughter in their lifeless eyes. I wanted to smack his floating, pudgy, baby face, but I didn’t.
That’s not my job.
My immediate job was to help Yui-sama deal with the prisoner, Byakko seishiTatara. He was chained to the wall, and he looked pretty beat up. But I was frustrated. I took it out on him.
“Why don’t you just face it?” I yelled. “We’ve shown you Genbu’s Shinzaho. You’re supposed to give Byakko no miko’s Shinzaho to whomever presents it, right? Give it up if you don’t want to be put through another beating.”
“If you kill me, you’ll never get the Shinzaho,” said Tatara gently. Turning to Yui-sama, he said, “You’re Seiryuu no miko. You weren’t the one who acquired it first. Someone else did. I can tell.”
Seiryuu no miko was as frustrated as I was. “Hurry up and give me the Shinzaho!” she snapped. “Then, I’ll be able to summon Seiryuu! I’ll be able to go back to my world! And... I can get back at Miaka, who betrayed me!”
This was not, perhaps, a very effective way of convincing Tatara. He didn’t seem like the type to understand justifiable vengeance. But we were frustrated.
As per the Plan, I left before Suzaku no miko arrived. The little idiot had gotten caught. I saw the glint in Seiryuu no miko’s eyes, so I knew that nothing good could be happening. I am glad that I missed seeing it.
I was given a position to hold. The Suzaku seishi would soon notice Miaka’s absence, and it was my job to prevent them from getting past me to the summoning ceremony.
It wasn’t a hard job, at least not the waiting part. I went through the poses of t’ai chi, concentrating on increasing the flow of ki in my body. Then I sat on the stone floor and waited, opening myself up to the energy.
I could pinpoint everyone in the building. So I knew when Seiryuu no miko returned to Nakago, presumably triumphant. She and Suboshi were alone for a while in the baths—a stroke of luck that Suboshi deserves, poor guy—while Nakago was talking with Miboshi.
Suzaku no miko and Tatara escaped. I thought about telling someone, but then I realized that it didn’t matter. We had the Shinzaho. Soon it would all be over. I hoped.
I also felt the approach of the other Suzaku seishi. There were only five of them, but with them were two more with the same type of signature as Tatara. More Byakko seishi, evidently.
Nakago went to the roof, and Miboshi went to confront the Suzaku. He killed Tatara. There must have been a huge battle. I could feel the temple shake as pillars were torn out from under the floors they supported. The enemy lost one more seishi—it was the weakest one, probably the child—but we lost Miboshi in the same instant. Again... pain.
It was imperative that I not lose control. So I didn’t. I kept one eye open through the throbbing and managed to keep aware of everyone’s movements. Luckily, I had recovered by the time the Suzaku and Byakko seishi neared me. I stood in ready stance, with a ball of lightning crackling in my fist. I would not let them stop this ceremony. Even if I had to die. Because Nakago’s wish was important.
I could tell they didn’t know where they were going. They ran straight into me. The sorcerer looked me up and down, evaluating whether or not he could take me in a fight.
“I’m not letting you get to Yui-sama that easily,” I sneered.
“Soi!” cried Miaka. She looked surprised that I was opposing her.
“Personally,” I said to her, “I don’t hate you.” I wanted her to know the truth.
“This is all for HIS sake!” I continued. “If it’s for Nakago, I would even sell my soul to the Devil!”
Miaka didn’t look angry. She looked sad.
“Sensei!” Tamahome appealed to a man I’d never seen before—obviously a Byakko seishi, but much too young... But then, Tatara had seemed young, too. Well, I didn’t have time to think about it. The man looked like a formidable fighter. The other Byakko seishi—a young woman standing at his elbow—had the unmistakable ki of a sorcerer.
“I’ll take over here!” said the strange man. “You guys go on!” He and the young woman came at me from two sides, looking at me with menacing expressions.
“Let’s go!” yelled Tamahome. I was occupied with the Byakko seishi, so the Suzaku ran past me.
“Wait!” I yelled. I made to run after them. But I was fairly sure I had held them long enough.
“Hold it!” said the young woman. “You’re not going anywhere!”
Finally! An assignment that I could handle. I could do this. I fought defensively, leading the Byakko seishi so far into the temple that they’d never be able to find their way out of the maze of broken-down hallways. And when I was sure they were too far away from the ceremony to get back there, I transported myself outside to wait by the horses.
From the ground, I watched as Seiryuu-seikun came from the sky. It was beautiful.
Nakago needed me, after all. And I got my job done. For Him.