By Kelfin
This is fan fiction. Neither Fushigi Yuugi nor any of its characters belongs to me.
people tend to think that everything about them is bad.
They do that, and pretty soon they really are bad.
And then they lose all hope.
So I don't want that happening to you.
~Amiboshi,
Episode 37 "Bewitched Warmth"
1. Mortals Who Die
Look on me! there is an order
Of mortals on the earth, who do become
Old in their youth, and die ere middle age,
Without the violence of warlike death;
Some perishing of pleasure—some of study—
Some worn with toil—some of mere weariness—
Some of disease—and some insanity—
And some of withered, or of broken hearts.
~George Gordon, Lord Byron
The morning that I met Seiryuu no miko for the first time, I found her very beautiful—in an exotic way—but she was so cold…
Later, I came to realize that circumstances had aligned themselves against her, and my opinion changed.
At the time, though, I was rather hurt. I had been very eager to meet her; I could feel her ki tugging on me ever since her arrival, and Nakago had kept her so isolated. He didn’t see the necessity for us to meet, and one doesn’t question him.
When I arrived in her rooms and I knelt before her, she wasn’t even looking at me. She made it quite clear that she thought me immature, incapable, and useless. I don’t know what she had been expecting: probably another Nakago or someone like Tamahome; I don’t know.
I was very disappointed in her. She seemed very pathetic—bitter and vengeful in the petty way of a person too weak to act effectively. Her only weapon was sarcasm, and she relied upon it too heavily.
This is not to imply that I am in any way different or better than she; my skills with the ryuuseisui have never been as sharp as I would have liked, because I am impatient and easily distracted. Of course, I was not so articulate at the time. I was left only with a vague feeling of disappointment and the sharp knowledge that My Brother would have felt sorry for her and disliked her all at once.
“Yui-sama,” said Nakago. “Forgive the delay.” (What delay? Nakago can be so unnecessarily dramatic.) “This is Suboshi,” he continued, “the member of the Seiryuu shichiseishi I told you about.”
“How do you do, Yui-sama?” I said politely. “I am Suboshi.”
She did not acknowledge me. “This boy is one of the Seiryuu shichiseishi?” she asked Nakago. “Nakago, what good can he be to us? How can he interfere with the ceremony to summon Suzaku from here?”
I found her barbs about my age ridiculous and insulting—after all, she didn’t appear any older than I. (We’re the same age, actually.)
“Suboshi, Yui-sama appears to be in a foul mood today,” said Nakago with an ironic smile. I grinned back at him. He may be a complete jerk, but at least we could suffer Yui-sama’s bizarre crabbiness together. We both knew that the situation was well under control, not at all the way it appeared to Yui-sama.
As we started to explain the plan to her, my arm started prickling. My Brother was sending me a message! The tender flesh on the inside of my arm stung as the scratches started appearing.
I brightened a bit. I remember a vague feeling of pride that My Brother had accomplished something and a relief that Nakago had nothing for which to fault the two of us. My Brother didn’t want me to feel it, but I could tell he was much more nervous than relieved. I kept that quiet, of course; never would I ever tell Nakago the secrets that exist between My Brother and me.
“Is it coming?” asked Nakago hungrily. Yui-sama was amazed by what was happening and looking questioningly at him.
I read the message and smiled. “Nakago-sama, they’re about to begin the ceremony to summon Suzaku.”
“I see,” he said. “It’s finally time.”
“How can he do that?” Yui-sama breathed.
“It’s all part of my strategy,” said Nakago. (Oh, gag me. No matter what happens, he claims it’s part of his “strategy”.)
“Strategy?” said Yui-sama.
“Yes,” he answered. “In other words, we’ve planted a spy in Konan.”
“But the characters on his arm…”
“Twins aren’t like normal brothers,” said Nakago, as if he knew what he was talking about. “They share an exceptionally strong link in both body and mind.”
Yui-sama thought aloud. “Then the spy we have in Konan is…”
“My twin brother,” I finished for her, with a satisfied grin.
For the rest of the day, I didn’t think too much about Yui-sama; she was an unpleasant thought, and I brushed her from my mind. I brushed her aside while Soi and I worked on combat maneuvers, and I brushed her aside while I finished eating and went for a walk. I did not think about her while I pulled apart plants in the garden in order to see how they work inside. When My Brother nudged my mind, asking how my morning had gone, I told him that I had met Seiryuu no miko and that she was very nice. He knew not to ask anything else about her. Of course, he could sense my unwillingness to think about the subject.
I must confess, I forgot to be interested in his life or to ask him similar questions about what he was doing and thinking. I wish now that I had. I really did love him.
But all I could think about was not thinking about our Priestess, and the hurtful things she’d said.
I am not useless!
2. Could It Be Madness—This?
And Something’s odd—within—
That person that I was—
And this One—do not feel the same—
Could it be Madness—this?
~Emily Dickinson
The day before, things had been so different. My Brother was in Konan, of course, so I should have been worried about him, but really, life was very good. I woke up early and breathed the world in deeply.
I don’t know why I get this way; I only know that I like it and that it feels good! As far as I can tell, I am the only one to whom this happens. My Brother certainly never feels and acts this way; I would know, and besides, he knows what I feel, and he’s told me himself that he’s never experienced anything like it. He says he doesn’t remember our parents or anyone in our village describing anything similar, and anyone to whom I’ve tried to explain it has invariably met my excited raptures with looks of incomprehension. I can only surmise, then, that it’s an extension of my seishi powers. Or… maybe… there’s something else special about me.
I skipped all of my meals that day. I wasn’t hungry, and the usual fare seemed dismally boring and plebian. Nakago-SAMA is completely stingy with our accommodations. Okay, yeah, it’s way better than what My Brother and I were used to, but, come on, it’s nowhere near as good as what he gets! Anyway, I liked the way my abdomen gradually began to ache quietly, the way my lungs gasped and my heart pounded when I climbed a hill or waded through water, the way my head spun when I turned sharply…
I skipped training with Soi and lessons with Tomo. Tomo is a creepy bastard and Soi needs a day off once in a while, right? Instead, I went into town. Nobody who cared was around to stop me. I avoided Nakago the Fuckhead and his pathetic minions, and the guards are kind of afraid of me, I think. (You have no idea how much wicked pleasure I derive from this.)
The city is busy and noisy, and I love it.
I didn’t have very much money with me. I told you, Nakago’s a complete asshole—but all I pretty much have to do is let my seishi symbol show, and people do whatever I want. If necessary, I make a few walls fall over. So, either other people give me whatever the hell I want, or I just tell them to bill Nakago at the palace. He freaks out and yells all kinds of shit at me whenever I do this, but usually I tune him out. At this particular moment, though, it didn’t occur to me to think about his reaction to my exploits, nor did I happen to think about My Brother’s opinion on such activities… I am such a fucking idiot.
I saw just about every show and spectacle I could find, and I bought a pretty necklace. It sort of sparkled in the sunshine, so I decided I needed it. I bought it on credit. I figured I’d give it to Soi; she was the only girl I actually knew. I considered buying new clothes, but then I decided I didn’t want anything My Brother wouldn’t also have.
Then I went to a bar and got completely wasted. I had never—and have never since—been so drunk. I think I smoked something, too—I have no idea what it was. It wasn’t really pleasant, but it was… interesting. I was in love with the world, and I wanted to experience everything in it.
I stumbled home in a very giggly mood as dark was falling like velvet over the earth. It was then that the world began to speak to me.
It could have been the alcohol, or the lack of food, but I don’t think so—it happens whenever I’m in this kind of a mood.
The trees whispered to me, begging for my ki. They were weak, and I loved them, so I embraced them, pouring my life and heart into them. One very small tree refused to let me go, pulling out more and more of my ki until I panicked and jerked myself away, my hand flicking off into the air.
It was raining, but only over a small spot to my left. This tiny rain cloud followed me all the way home, disappearing when I reached the palace gate.
A little doll jumped out of the bushes and ran across the path.
When I got back to my room, Soi was there. She was really angry, but I didn’t mind. I gave her the necklace, which surprised her. She accepted it more out of fear for my sanity than anything else, I think. She makes me laugh!
I spoke poetically and at great length about my adventures. I love myself—I am so cute and charming! Soi stayed for a while, I think to make sure I was okay, and finally she told me to shut up and go to sleep. I couldn’t, though, so I just went on talking to myself after she left. I wanted to write it down, but there wasn’t any paper, so I wrote it down in my head, just looking at the graceful beauty of the symbols. I don’t remember what I wrote now, but that wasn’t the point.
I was restless, so I got up to splash my face and neck with icy water. I invented a dance. Then I knocked some things over. I finally fell asleep on the stone floor with no blankets, staring out the window at the eastern stars.
3. A Demon in My View
From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then—in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life—was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.
~Edgar Allan Poe
The afternoon of the day I met Yui-sama, That Event happened. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t know words for it that aren’t clichéd and meaningless. Any word that has already been invented has already been used too much, and so all that is left for my self-expression is inarticulate groans and wordless cries.
I don’t want to talk about it. But I can think of nothing else.
As the time for the ceremony approached, my unpleasant thoughts about Yui-sama turned into irrational worries about My Brother. I was terrified. I knew—I knew—that something awful would happen. I could not concentrate for worrying and finally Soi told me to take a break.
It was Soi that forced me out of the garden and back into the palace to wait for the news from Konan, although I only gathered the strength to move when the desire to avoid her nagging overcame the desire to avoid everything else.
Everything was moving so slowly… my body… my mind… It took me ages to understand what Soi and Nakago were saying to me. Nakago seemed agitated, which made me feel as though I ought to be irritated. Instead, I was just overwhelmingly tired and unable to care.
I knew My Brother was prepared, but I was still apprehensive. For good reason, I guess.
Do you know what it’s like when half of your soul, half of your conscious mind, suddenly goes missing?
No.
You don’t.
I don’t want to talk about it.
…My behavior was humiliating.
I was standing alone in the cool darkness of the palace when it happened.
“Brother!” I called, tentatively. “Brother! My Brother’s ki has vanished!” I said, not to anyone in particular, but more to the universe in general. I threw my arms around myself and hugged myself tightly. “I don’t feel anything… He’s been killed by the Suzaku shichiseishi! No… Brother… BROTHER!!!”
This is the most completely stupid speech I’ve ever given. Why do I talk to myself like this? It’s embarrassing.
Then there was nothing to do but hold myself and scream.
Nakago’s disgust with me was all too evident. Soi knew to stay away, and I think she must have warned Tomo. It makes me sick to think of him, smirking ironically in that way he has. He’s so bitter; he’ll take pleasure from anyone’s pain. Nakago brought Yui-sama to gloat—or maybe to scare her into total dependency on him. Whatever. Anyway, I’m glad he brought her, because otherwise, I would never have realized the truth about her.
The truth is: she is just another pawn, struggling against Nakago’s steel will. Like all of us, she loves him and hates him and needs him. She knows what pain is, and the raw wounds she carries enable her to perceive the suffering of others, overwhelming her with the pain of the world as it washes over her every day.
My ryuuseisui, which had been pushing slowly through heavy space all day, just stopped moving and were in the air above me—not hanging, not hovering… just weightless, like illustrations painted on the air.
I heard the door open, and Yui-sama’s cool voice. “What’s that boy doing?”
“Amiboshi, that boy’s twin brother, has apparently died,” said Nakago.
“He died…? Wait a minute…!” I couldn’t tell if Yui-sama was angry or frightened, but I didn’t care. She was part of a thick fog that was everything in the world except my heart.
“It appears the Suzaku shichiseishi killed him,” said Nakago, matter-of-factly. “I myself have tried to sense his life force, but I’m afraid… I never expected Amiboshi would be killed.”
It’s out of character for Nakago to be so surprised. But then, perhaps it was just another part of his act for Yui-sama.
And I was just kneeling on the floor, hugging myself, muttering curses.
Yui-sama approached me. “I see,” she said. “That’s why you’ve been crying. Isn’t it? Because you’ve lost somebody important to you.” Thank you, Miss Obvious.
“Shut up!” I yelled at her. “There’s no way you can understand!”
“Can’t I?” she asked sadly. She knelt and put her arms around me. “I think I understand a little how it feels.” This was getting surreal.
“You can cry as much as you want,” she said quietly. “You can cry as much as you want.”
In that moment, I know, she felt sincerely sorry for me—she saw herself in me, and she did for me what no one did for her. She gathered me up in her beautiful, gentle arms, and allowed me to cry hot tears on her steady shoulder, even though I had snapped at her like some sort of injured animal that bites when you try to help it.
I am such an idiot. I really thought that an icy, pampered princess like her could never have loved strongly enough or felt pain deeply enough to understand what was happening to me.
Now I understand her a little better, and I know how iciness can help protect the heart. I will never be able to hold back my emotions, so I will never have this shield or any other defense. It’s true in battle as well as in affairs of the heart. Soi has quite despaired of teaching me defensive moves. I will always, I think, have to rely on determined, aggressive action to accomplish my goals before my enemies can come close enough to wound me. I am very unprotected now, without My Brother.
I see myself in Yui-sama, now—and I will do what I can to be her protection.