1. A Thing of Temperament
So well she acted, all and every part
By turns—with that vivacious versatility,
Which many people take for want of heart.
They err—‘tis merely what is called mobility,
A thing of temperament and not of art,
Though seeming so, from its supposed facility;
And false—though true; for surely they’re sincerest,
Who are strongly acted on by what is nearest.
~George Gordon, Lord Byron
Unfortunately, I eventually felt better.
Soi came into my room, pushed me out of bed, and started throwing my stuff in a sack. I looked up at her from the floor and raised an eyebrow.
She tossed a heavy coat at my face. “We’re riding to Hokkan today,” she grinned at me. “Get up.”
My wounds had fully healed—Soi’s a very talented healer—and I discovered that I had no real objections to participating in the world.
Soi did not come with us. At the last minute, Nakago pulled her aside, and she unhappily dismounted and returned to the palace. She beamed at Nakago, though, but I don’t think he noticed. I wished that Miboshi would stay, too. Maybe Nakago could have him to do some research and then catch up with us much, much later. Miboshi is creepy. When we were first introduced, I made the mistake of thinking he was an actual child. I knelt down at his level and stuck out my hand with a friendly grin to offer him sweets.
Um, I will never do that again.
Yui-sama rode in a carriage. So, our procession ended up being Yui-sama, me, Nakago, Miboshi, and Tomo. It was pretty obvious who was going to be doing a lot of tent-pitching and water-fetching. And I was pretty sure that Yui-sama’s constant attendance on Nakago was going to result in me spending a lot of time with Tomo. (Shudder.)
It occurs to me now that maybe Tomo had other things to think about besides watching like a hawk for my potential misdeeds, but it didn’t occur to me at the time. And besides, you never know. Maybe he didn’t have anything better to do. I know he’s obsessed with Nakago (ew). He’d probably do anything to ingratiate himself (double ew as I involuntarily imagine the implications of that statement).
During the journey, I worked hard to be respectful and deferential to Yui-sama. Okay, maybe I was a bit too deferential… But I didn’t, and still don’t, see the point in feigned indifference. That wouldn’t be honest, and I believe that I must be honest above all else, especially to the ones I love. Have you ever heard me lie? Sometimes my honest feelings are incorrect or even wicked, but I tell them truthfully just the same. I believe that if anything will redeem me, it will be truthfulness, sincerity… honesty.
It got colder faster than I’d expected. I’d never traveled directly into the north before, so I was surprised at the drastic ways the landscape can change in a short distance. Except for the mountains. They arrived on the horizon and just stayed there, always the same, as if we weren’t moving toward them at all.
I can’t make up my mind about snow. It’s beautiful, and it encourages appreciation of fire and good companionship, but it’s awful when it blows inside your shirt and trickles down your chest. And naturally none of us had thought to bring mittens or hats. Well, Yui-sama had a hat. She pulled her hands inside her sleeves, but the rest of us had to hold reins. The backs of my hands turned blue and cracked and started bleeding. So did my lips, and my ears stung so badly that tears came into my eyes. I didn’t say anything, though. Everyone else felt the same cold, and I didn’t want to give Nakago a reason to snap at me.
We had not traveled more than a day or so when Soi returned. I didn’t see her arrive; I was too busy building fires and tethering horses and setting up tents. I heard Tomo greet her, though. There were seven tents that I had to assemble—two big ones for Yui-sama and Nakago, and smaller ones for the rest of us: me, Soi, Tomo, Miboshi, and one empty one for someone else. I suppose there would have been eight, but…
I got no help from Tomo—he’s such a princess—and he even made more work for me with his incessant whining for hot water and clean towels. I really wanted to remind him that, if he didn’t wear so much make-up, he wouldn’t need so much crap. And he’d look like less of a freak. But I figured it would be better to just not say anything.
When I finished, I went to Yui-sama’s tent, ostensibly to see if she needed anything, but really just to be near her. She was shivering under a blanket.
“Yui-sama!” I said cheerfully. “Good morning!”
“Thank you,” came her muffled voice. “It really gets cold up here in the north, doesn’t it?”
“It looks like it’s getting colder as we move into the center,” I replied. If she wanted to talk about the weather, that was okay with me!
She sipped something hot. “Where’s Nakago?”
I concealed my jealousy. “Dunno. Although, I heard Soi came back yesterday. Looks like she failed to kill the Suzaku party.” I smirked confidently, but inside I was quaking. Nakago was going to be furious.
“I’d like to speak with Nakago,” said Yui-sama. “About how to proceed from here.”
“I see,” I answered her. “I’ll call him for you.”
I’m happy to serve her. Since it was very cold, she obviously didn’t want to go herself. I know, at first this sounds very selfish of her, but it’s not so. Have you seen the silly costume she wears? It’s completely unsuitable for normal life, let alone wind and ice. Besides, she’s a girl and she’s Seiryuu no miko, both of which are indisputable reasons why I should suffer instead of she.
No, the only thing that upset me was that Yui-sama wanted to discuss our plans for getting the Shinzaho with Nakago, and not with me.
I’m not sure why I thought she’d like to talk to me about anything, but I did. I suppose I just longed for some sign that she had any respect or regard for me at all. And it saddened me to see her so close to Nakago.
He’s not a nice person, I wanted to tell her. He’s using you, and we all know it, and we’re all afraid to tell you. Why do you think that even Soi and Tomo, beneath their jealousy of you, pity you so much?
I thought it was to be the Priestess who inspired in her warriors total devotion, but here it is a warrior who inspires completely obedience in, not only the other seishi, but the Priestess, as well, ruling with fear and manipulating the emotions of those who adore him. We have everything backwards here. Each of us is twisted, each in his or her own way.
Yui-sama, I swear to you, that I am your warrior, not Nakago’s. I fear and obey him, but I fight for you, and when I die, it will be in your service, not his!
I trudged unhappily through the frozen grass to Nakago’s tent. “Sheesh,” I grumbled to myself. “All Yui-sama talks about is Nakago! I can be useful, too, you know.”
I wasn’t thinking, I guess, so I yelled, “Nakago-sama, I’m coming in!” and burst in through the curtains that were the door. My Brother would have known better. I, on the other hand, am completely stupid.
The first thing I saw was Soi… naked… having sex with Nakago.
I choked on a shriek and whirled around. I know I was blushing. I felt so, so idiotic.
“Sorry, Sensei!” I stuttered, facing away from them. “Um, um, Yui-sama said she wanted to speak with you!”
“Tell her that I’ll be there shortly,” he lazily replied. “Soi isn’t feeling well. We’ll be using Ashitare instead.”
I knew he meant “to attack the Suzaku seishi”. What a jerk. It was obviously an understatement to say that Soi wasn’t well; she was seriously injured. I had seen it on her body, and I could feel it in her ki.
Wait… “Ashitare?” I said to myself.
This was the first time I had heard any mention of Ashitare. I could feel his ki, of course so I knew he was around, and naturally, I knew that the Seven Stars of Seiryuu included Ashitare. But I hadn’t even known that we had found him yet. Him or her…
Apparently, Ashitare was more capable than Soi. Nakago was insulting her by not allowing her to try again to complete her assignment, whatever it was.
But you know what made me more angry? It was the way Nakago wasn’t even embarrassed when I walked in on them, like it meant nothing to him at all what Soi does for him, as if he were interacting with an inanimate object instead of a person. He sounded… bored.
I would never, never use someone that way. People who love you are rare and easily convinced otherwise. You should not mistreat them, even if you despise them. They must be discouraged kindly. But, I suppose, when you are Nakago and everyone loves you, these things seem less important.
I can hurt people, but I’ll never be as good at it as Nakago, because I can’t pretend that people aren’t people. I’ve tried to pretend that way, but nobody believes me. Even those children, Tamahome’s brothers and sisters… They saw that I was still human inside and begged me to stop…
I took Nakago’s reply to Yui-sama. She lifted an eyebrow at the mention of Ashitare, but she said nothing else about the matter. She allowed me to build up her fire and stay a little while and entertain her.
She was bored, so I told her stories—the ones My Brother had told me when we were very small. I know, they are children’s stories, but they were all I could think of, and she seemed well-enough pleased by them. Anyway, they are meaningful to me, because they came from My Brother and because, in them, I first learned to love the noble and beautiful heroine who, though strong and intelligent, needs just a little help from the most unlikely source in order to escape the wicked overlord.
2. The Good of the Earth and Sun
Stop this day and night with me and you shall possess the origin of all poems,
You shall possess the good of the earth and sun, (there are millions of suns left,)
You shall no longer take things at second or third hand, nor look through the eyes of the dead, nor feed on the spectres in books,
You shall not look through my eyes either, nor take things from me,
You shall listen to all sides and filter them from your self.
~Walt Whitman
Nakago asked me to take Yui-sama into Touran, the capital city of Hokkan. It was ostensibly to gather information about the Shinzaho, but I know he thinks I’m worthless and he probably just wanted Yui-sama out of the way, so he could meet with Ashitare. Soi, of course, elected to stay with Nakago, and Tomo and Miboshi wouldn’t step a foot out of their tents unless Seiryuu-seikun himself (or in Tomo’s case, Nakago) asked them.
But I was grateful for their insipidity because it meant that I would get to be truly alone with Yui-sama!
I love her.
She is absolutely perfect and wonderful, and there is nothing in her that can be faulted. Or, if there is, I refuse to see it because I am in love, and a love as noble and tragic as mine will never admit to a flaw in its object. I feel it so strongly that I think I will die.
I had been up that morning since long before dawn, not out of anticipation—Nakago had not yet announced his magnanimous decree—but out of a sort of restless excitement with the world. Something was coming—I could feel it—something important and exciting that would thrust heroism upon me. The ground was bare, but I could smell snow in the air, and the horses could, too.
I went to visit them. The horse I ride is brown and docile and a little stupid. I fed him sugar that I stole from the cooking supplies. We stood nose to nose and stared into each other’s eyes. We could, for a standstill moment, hear each other’s thoughts. Then I threw back my head and laughed aloud at the stars.
I whooped for joy and began to run. I ran and ran for maybe an hour.
How can I help but be joyful when the world is so full of awe-inspiring beauty, and I can feel that good things will happen? I could solve every puzzle, unravel every secret. On that day, I understood all the mysteries of the universe. That which is Everything was in me, and I was in it, and I understood what it meant to be a rock, or a blade of grass, or a moonbeam. I could see and know all the tiny particles that the world is made of. And I could think all of these thoughts in an instant! My mind was moving so fast that my tongue couldn’t keep up. I wanted to put into words the flashes of insight I was having, but they kept coming, piling up on each other and overwhelming me with their awesome power.
I did all of the chores and made everyone breakfast while they were still sleeping. I almost burned the food because I kept getting distracted by stray thoughts, but it ended up turning out okay. I’m pretty sure it got cold before any of them woke up. Oh, well.
I didn’t eat. What use is food when the world is so lovely?
When Nakago finally got up (at around daybreak) and told me the plans for the day, I was so excited I could barely contain it. I’m sure Nakago could tell I was fidgety and hyper, but I managed not to squeal with delight until after he had gone back into his tent.
Then I ran up a hill and, on impulse, threw myself into the icy pond below it. I screamed when my skin made contact with the cold water, but it was wonderfully, pleasantly painful. The crisp coldness brought me back to reality for a while and I went back to my tent to dry off. I grinned and waved at Tomo and the way back. He looked really startled to see me awake and soaked in ice water. He probably thinks I’m insane. I love freaking him out.
I was impatient to get going. I swear, Yui-sama spent hours getting ready. And then she had to confer with Nakago. We didn’t leave until noon. I just about gnawed off my own fingers waiting.
After I considered doing that, I got distracted by my fingers and my mouth. I licked my teeth. I love my teeth. I have sharp, pointy incisors that can be bared in a threatening smirk. I practiced this for a while. But then I was bored again. The horse was mad at me for saddling him and then making him stand for so long.
Finally, Yui-sama was ready. As it happens, Yui-sama, for all her experience, had never ridden a horse! My heart was in my throat. I helped a very nervous Yui-sama onto my horse and swung myself up behind her.
She was very apprehensive. She sat very straight and even seemed to breathe gingerly. It was so cute! I had to put my arms around her to guide the horse. It was almost like holding her. I was very conscious of my arms brushing against hers and the way my thighs pressed against her bare legs.
“Yui-sama,” I breathed against her ear, “you’ll be a lot more comfortable if you relax…”
I really wanted to nuzzle my nose against her neck, but I didn’t dare. Yui-sama smiled almost imperceptibly and relaxed just a little. I tried my very hardest to not be scary. I was gentle with the horse and everything. The cold was uncomfortable at first, but then I decided I liked it when the wind forced Yui-sama to cuddle back against me for warmth.
After we trotted out of camp, I nudged the horse into a faster pace. Yui-sama didn’t seem to mind, so I urged it even faster. It was fun to ride with the wind ruffling my hair, but as the terrain became rougher, I could feel Yui-sama growing nervous. I slowed down, reflecting that I would probably like to prolong this journey as much as possible.
We did not speak very much. Well, I talked a lot, but her answers were short and flat. I guess I sort of panicked, and tried to make up for her silence by talking more often and more quickly. I could tell she was getting annoyed, but I couldn’t stop. I didn’t know how not to talk. At that time, I was talkativeness itself, and not to talk would have been not to be myself, and therefore not to exist. I knew all this at the same time I knew that I was displeasing her. And I kept talking… about the earth and its beauty and the mysteries I’d solved and all of my feelings of latent heroism.
The energy that had fueled my euphoria gradually pooled in my stomach and grew into something like a very intense anger. I felt hatred, but not for myself. Why is it that when I want to kill myself, I’m too worn out to do it, and when I actually have energy, I’m either so happy or so angry that I forget I want to die?
I felt a grim self-satisfaction when it did, indeed, begin to snow. We had just entered the gates of Touran and dismounted. It fell thick and fast—bigger flakes than I’d seen before. Instead of pelting my face and arms with sharp stings, they were so soft that I could barely feel them. Instead of melting or blowing away, they stayed on the ground and were crushed close together under my feet. They clustered in Yui-sama’s eyelashes and made her green eyes sparkle, as if designed by some god to glorify my Priestess, like little diamonds set around a perfect emerald.
“You aren’t cold, are you, Yui-sama?” I asked a little nervously as we walked.
“Yes, I am!” she snapped, as if it was my design that she suffer.
“You don’t have to be so direct about it,” I grumbled, just loud enough for her to hear.
She didn’t acknowledge it, though, so maybe she didn’t hear. I hope not. I was so shocked at first by what I had said, but at the same time, the most honest part of me was ironically pleased by my resentful outburst.
I took a deep breath and began again, this time more loudly. “Nakago said that we’d find the Shinzaho if we looked her in Touran, and that he was sending Ashitare against the Seiryuu shichiseishi.”
She already knew this. I thought that maybe just stating the facts and reiterating our mission would help us focus on the task and not get irritated at one another.
Yui-sama looked out over the city, which was beginning to turn white as the snow covered it. “Have Miaka and Tamahome arrived here already?” she asked abruptly.
I frowned. How would I know what the Suzaku seishi were up to? And why was she so obsessed with these people?
Suddenly a thought occurred to me—a very, very jealous, angry thought. “I heard from Nakago,” I said, “how that guy rejected you. Was it Tama—“
Before I could finish, she whirled around furiously, knelt down, and threw a handful of snow up into my face! I cried out in surprise and tried to shield my face with one hand, but…
By the time I could wipe the snow out of my eyes and nose and spit it out of my wide-open mouth, she was gone.
“Yui-sama!” I called. “Yui-sama”?
“Shit,” I said.
Then I totally freaked out. Do you know how many people there are in Touran? Her yellow hair was covered by that stupid blue hat, so all I could look for was the blue cape with the gold trim. Do you have any idea how many people wear blue? Shit, I was wearing blue!
The stupid fucking horse just stood there, like nothing had happened at all. “Fuck that,” I thought, and I tied him to some post and ran off on foot. I knew Nakago would take it out of my hide if I lost the horse—but I knew he’d probably ass-rape me or something if he found out that I lost Yui-sama.
“Fuck Nakago,” I thought, as I ran.
I started to get very worried. “Oh my gosh,” I thought, “She could really be in trouble.” The thought of Yui-sama lying injured somewhere, or assaulted by criminals, or kidnapped by the Suzaku seishi, terrified me. The longer I looked for her, the more I became convinced that something horrible had happened.
Then I remembered that I could just follow her ki.
“I’m so fucking retarded!” I yelled at myself. Everyone in the street looked at me.
I took off running in the other direction. She was by the river. I slid on the snow and skidded around a corner to see her, standing under a stone arch. She was crying and covered with snow. She had lost her hat somewhere.
Holding her by the shoulders was that rat Tamahome. I have no idea what he said to her, but she was obviously upset. I seethed. How dare he? How dare he treat my Yui-sama this way? If she loves him, he should be hers. What can he possibly find more worthy of love than Yui-sama? Obviously, he’s very unintelligent.
For once, I remembered that a surprise attack might be more effective than just running in and screaming at him. So I sent one of my ryuuseisui right at his stomach. It was a little low, and his quick reflexes enabled him to jump out of the way, but at least he let go of my Priestess.
“Get away from Yui-sama!” I growled at him, summoning my ryuuseisui for another attack. That coward actually ran. I have no idea why; he must remember how easily he defeated me before. Well, I’ve improved since then, and maybe my righteous anger made him see how the power of honest devotion can overcome treachery.
“Wait! Tamahome!” I yelled as I started after him.
Yui-sama put a hand on my shoulder. “Never mind!” she commanded. “Let him go!”
I turned to face her. She looked very tired and sad.
“Yui-sama?” I asked, knowing from my own reflection the meaning of her defeated expression. “You love him, Yui-sama, so… So…!”
It was true.
“Mind your own business!” she snapped at me. “I don’t feel well. I’m going back to see Nakago.” She turned sharply on one foot and stalked off into the thick curtain of falling snow.
“But…” I started, knowing we hadn’t even begun to look for the Shinzaho. I followed her obediently, though. It was more important to stay with Yui-sama than anything else.
I untied the horse, which was still calmly standing where I’d left it—stupid beast—and stayed a few paces behind her until we left the city. Then I drew up next to her and silently helped her onto the horse.
“Hurry,” she said. “I want to get back before dark.”
I pushed the horse as fast as possible, but the snow was becoming thicker and the sky was heavy with clouds and darkening every moment. The shadows of the mountains loomed over us and shut out even more light. Yui-sama sat bolt upright, inching forward as if to touch as little of me as possible.
I wanted to remind her of the bruises she’d have if the didn’t relax and conform to the motion of the animal, but I didn’t dare. A very nasty little part of my soul was a little gleeful at the punishment she’d get for being so snappish with me. I glared at that part with as much inner disgust as I could muster and growled at myself in frustration.
We returned to camp in the late afternoon, but the short days in Hokkan made this almost nightfall. The tents were thickly blanketed with heavy, wet snow, and all tracks had been obliterated.
The camp actually looked peaceful and, in a way, beautiful.
Of course, I knew that it wasn’t either of those things, really, which became more obvious as we drew closer and I tethered the horse.
I knew that Yui-sama’s claim of illness was a lie, but she still wanted to see Nakago. I was a little relieved; I really didn’t want to be the one to deliver the unpleasant news. At least not without some back up.
I could hear voices and other funny sounds from Nakago’s tent, but it didn’t sound like sex, so I pushed open the door and went straight in.
Soi was there, looking unhappy, and Nakago was there, too, holding a thick black whip. On his hands and knees in the dirt was a frightening-looking wolf-monster who I knew must be Ashitare.
There was blood on his back and face, and on the ground, and on Nakago’s whip. Apparently, Ashitare had been just as unsuccessful as Soi. His face and hands were covered by ugly, untreated burns. Soi looked flustered and unsure of herself. I knew she would have healed Ashitare’s wounds if she had been allowed. And I knew that she knew that this was a message to her about competency and loyalty.
Yui-sama pretended not to see what was going on, but she hovered hesitantly behind me nonetheless.
“Um… we’re back,” I said.
“Suboshi.” Nakago could even whip people half to death without emotion. It was impressive and scary. “Did you find the Shinzaho?”
I shuffled my feet. “Well, about that…”
Yui-sama spoke from behind me. “Yes, it seems we have.”
WHAT?! I whipped my head around to look at her.
She glanced down for a moment, then focused her green eyes on Nakago. “Tamahome told me that they’d found the Shinzaho’s location.”
Tamahome must be even stupider than I’d thought.
3. A Lovely Light
My candle burns at both ends
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends—
It gives a lovely light.
~Edna St. Vincent Millay
That evening, I crashed.
I went back to my tent and pretended to be asleep, ignoring Tomo’s impatient reminder that dinner was available.
I did not—and still do not—understand what was happening. This morning, I had been so happy and energetic, and now all I could feel was hatred for everything.
The people I will never admit to hating, even if I ever did—Yui-sama and My Brother and my parents—were just as painful to me. As subjects of thought, they only made me feel worse—condemning my wickedness with their innocence, reaffirming my ineptitude with their helpless suffering.
I hated the world for what it did to them and for what it did to me. I hated Seiryuu-seikun for his indifference. I hated myself for my stupidity in cursing the gods. We don’t worship gods because they are good or kind, but because they are bigger than we are, because they have power that we don’t have, and because it is our duty to please them. It is like my relationship with Nakago; I obey him because otherwise he would squash me.
Who am I, after all? I’m nobody special. Even my wanting and dreaming for individuality was just another sign of how I’m exactly like everyone else. Everyone wants to be special, but nobody ever is. We’re all exactly as ugly, as sinful, as stupid, as weak as each other.
And now I add to my misery—my loneliness, my fear—a heaping measure of guilt. Guilt, not only for my evil deeds, for my petty inadequacies, but most profoundly for my hubris.
I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t even turn my head to look at Soi when she came in to check on me. She murmured a couple of encouraging words, but my brain and my tongue wouldn’t work, and I couldn’t answer. All I could do was let pain shine out bright from my unmoving eyes.
Even though it didn’t help much, it was nice to know that there was someone else here who understood a little—even if all Soi could really empathize with was rejected love. There is so much more in my heart that nobody—not even I—can understand. And I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t formulate the words. I was just… so… tired. But Soi helped a little.
Not much, though.
After dark, I realized that my stomach was hurting because I was hungry. So I got up and ate an entire roasted duck and all the noodles I could find. The fullness in my stomach kind of dulled the pain everywhere else, and then I was able to fall asleep.