1. Dark within the Door
And yet I still am half in love with pain,
With what is imperfect, with both tears and mirth,
With things that have an end, with life and earth,
And this moon that leaves me dark within the door.
~Edward Thomas
In the morning, I woke with a slight headache, but nothing bad enough to keep me from facing life.
I spent my day alone, though. It was nice, I guess, to not have to worry about the way I affect the people around me. You know, I spend all of this time thinking about myself, and I’m not any closer to understanding what’s happening inside me. I feel as if I know myself so much better than anyone else knows himself and yet… I still don’t make sense. Maybe I spend too much time in self-reflection. Is that even possible? Oh my gosh, am I selfish?
I just feel pulled in two ways, you know? It’s like there’s this outside power tugging on me, maybe it’s Seiryuu-seikun or maybe it’s someone else, just tugging on me and saying, “Look! Look at all the wonder and beauty I can show you! You, Seiryuu shichiseishi Suboshi, will do great things! You can love to the point of delirium and drink the finest wines and know the intimate depths of the sea! All the words that fall from your lips will be Art Incarnate, and the gods will bow to you!” And all I have to do is say yes, and this power will sweep over me like a great wind, and draw aside the curtain once for all, and all I will have to give in payment is my right to determine the direction of my life, and those in-between times of utter despair and unimaginable pain.
On the other side is not so much a personified force, but rather a steadiness. It is safe here, on this rock. I have the ability, I know, to make my own decisions, to be responsible for myself. I can be hardworking and determined, and I will succeed. I will never again have to face the total darkness of unadulterated self-hatred. Only… I will never see that exquisite beauty, either—never again know the quick joy of spontaneous insight—never have that all-encompassing power! I cannot give it up. And I would have to feel guilty for the things I’ve done. Because they would be my fault.
And so you see, my choice is really one between a short life and a boring one. I choose the short life!
…But somehow, I know that My Brother would disapprove.
Well, he’s dead.
So.
There’s no point in trying to please him any longer.
I was thinking these things while staring at my reflection in the little pond. I considered my face. Objectively, I think I’m pretty good-looking—maybe not as cute as My Brother, but with a touch of something more devilish. I practiced smirking.
Okay.
I am totally hot.
That’s when I felt something like a terrible pain. It emanated form my shoulder—from my seishi symbol—and I almost doubled up from the intensity. I couldn’t even breathe.
Then, suddenly, it vanished. Along with Ashitare’s ki.
I ran to Nakago’s tent and barged in. Soi and Yui-sama were there with him. I frantically explained what had happened. “We have to do something!” I yelled.
He looked at me as if I were the stupidest person in the world and told me that no, we didn’t have to do anything at all.
“What do you mean we don’t have to do anything?!” I cried, still standing panicked in the doorway of his tent.
“Suboshi, keep your voice down in Yui-sama’s presence,” said Nakago.
“It’s gone!” I said, rather unnecessarily, trying to drive the point home. “Ashitare’s life force is gone! Can’t you feel it?!”
“The Suzaku shichiseishi probably killed him,” said Nakago.
I was so angry. “I don’t see how you can just say that so calmly!” I shouted. “You’re just going to let them take the Shinzaho?!”
Nakago chuckled menacingly. “Don’t worry. It’s part of my plan.”
Oh my sweet Seiryuu, I hate him.
Yui-sama looked questioningly at Nakago, who in a very bored tone explained to us that it did not matter, since at least Ashitare managed to kill one of the Suzaku seishi first.
I inwardly winced at the pointed insult to Soi and me.
Yui-sama asked Nakago why we were just sitting around letting things like this happen. Why didn’t we just go get the Shinzaho and leave?
He explained to her that, since the people of Hokkan are enemies with Kutou and there are disembodied Genbu seishi guarding the Shinzaho, it would be easier to let Suzaku no miko retrieve the Shinzaho and then take it from her. He said this with an air of exaggerated patience, like we were both very stupid children. I can’t believe he has the nerve to treat Seiryuu no miko that way! And Yui-sama doesn’t even see it.
“Genbu seishi without bodies?” repeated Yui-sama, nervously.
“Yes,” answered Nakago. “Even I could never beat opponents like them. Why do you think Kutou doesn’t dare to attack this country?”
Yui-sama looked worried. She brought her hand up to her face. “Then, from the start, you wanted Miaka and the others to…”
“Yes. We need only wait for them to get it.”
“But who was it? The one that fought with Ashitare?” Yui-sama’s voice was trembling. She might have actually cared about Ashitare.
“That wasn’t part of the plan,” said Nakago. (Damn. Not another change to the Plan. But I bet you’ll get over it, won’t you?) “I never expected Ashitare to kill one of the Suzaku shichiseishi,” he continued.
Oh. So it was a good change to the plan. (Sarcasm. I love it.)
“You meant to use Ashitare as cannon fodder,” Soi all but accused.
“A proper use for an incompetent fool, wasn’t it?” Nakago shrugged.
Soi and I looked at each other miserably. We left in silence, escorting Yui-sama back to her tent.
Poor Yui-sama. I wonder if she knows how I watch her. She has nobody else who cares enough to worry about her, so I sort of follow her at a distance to make sure she’s okay. I know, I know, that seems really creepy. I know Yui-sama thinks it’s creepy, anyway. But it’s for her own good! I know she thinks of me as that scary guy who’s obsessed with her, and she thinks that, even if she’s just a little bit nice to me, I’ll take it as encouragement. Which is true. But she doesn’t understand; I don’t ask for her to return my feelings—she’s too good for me, of course. I just want her to know that I will love her anyway, no matter what. When she accepts that—I mean the fact that I can love her without her loving me back—I think she will begin to feel safe with me. Because I will always protect her.
As I walked by her tent later, I could hear her chanting. The words were foreign, but definitely rhythmic. I had to know, so I peeked in. I blinked. She was sitting on a chair, holding a book open in her lap.
Suddenly she looked up. “Hmm? What is it, Suboshi?”
“Oh, um,” I started, entering her tent. “Was that some sort of a spell?”
She laughed at me, of course. She thinks I’m really stupid and uneducated. I was just glad to hear her laughing. I wonder if she knows how she’s even more beautiful when the corners of her eyes crinkle up. “It’s English!” she said.
“English…?”
“My five subjects were English, Japanese, math, science, and social studies,” she explained, as if I had any idea what she was talking about. “I’d study them every day in my world.”
I was confused. “Are… Are they the Five Classics?”
She continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “It’s strange, but reciting this calms me down.” I blinked at her.
She turned to me with a happy smile. “I’m an exam candidate. Once I summon Seiryuu, I’ll go back to my world and enter high school.”
I suppose it was kind of dumb of me to be surprised—of course Yui-sama would go home after she summoned Seiryuu-seikun—but it just hadn’t occurred to me before.
“Go… Go back?” I asked stupidly.
She looked down at her lap.
“What about the Priestess of Suzaku?” I pressed. That was a mistake.
Yui-sama’s face turned angry. “I doubt she wants to ever go back, so I don’t care,” she snapped. “Besides, if we put a ward on Suzaku, she can never have Tamahome.”
Still with the Tamahome! Is she obsessed with every man except me?!
Thinking of her leaving is… awful. What will I do without her? For whom will I live?
Not for Bu Shunkaku, that’s for sure.
2. One Hour to Madness and Joy!
One hour to madness and joy! O furious! O confine me not!
(What is this that frees me so in storms?
What do my shouts amid lightnings and raging winds mean?)
O to drink the mystic deliria deeper than any other man!
O savage and tender achings! (I bequeath them to you my children,
I tell them to you, for reasons, O bridegroom and bride.)
O to be yielded to you whoever you are, and you to be yielded to me in defiance of the world!
O to return to Paradise! O bashful and feminine!
O to draw you to me, to plant on you for the first time the lips of a determin’d man.
O the puzzle, the thrice-tied knot, the deep and dark pool, all untied and illumin’d!
O to speed where there is space enough and air enough at last!
To be absolv’d from previous ties and conventions, I from mine and you from yours!
To find a new unthought-of nonchalance with the best of Nature!
To have the gag remov’d from one’s mouth!
To have the feeling to-day or any day I am sufficient as I am.
O something unprov’d! something in a trance!
To escape utterly from others’ anchors and holds!
To drive free! to love free! to dash reckless and dangerous!
To court destruction with taunts, with invitations!
To ascend, to leap to the heavens of the love indicated to me!
To rise thither with my inebriate soul!
To be lost if it must be so!
To feed the remainder of life with one hour of fulness and freedom!
With one brief hour of madness and joy.
~Walt Whitman
It turned out that we lost Suzaku no miko and we had to follow her to Sairou, where there was another Shinzaho. I love how Nakago never deigns to tell us what’s going on. I swear, he gets some kind of sadistic pleasure from keeping us dangling, watching us feel nervous and unsure and out of control.
Nakago had a “very important” visitor to meet, so he sent all of us ahead of him. Soi happily stayed with him.
Yui-sama, on the other hand…
Okay, to be honest, she whined the whole time. But she was perfectly justified! Nakago’s job is supposed to be to protect her, not to direct the fruition of his own maniacal little plans. He’s a complete asshole.
That evening, we stopped to rest. Miboshi had left camp, on some diabolical errand, no doubt, and Tomo was hiding to avoid chores. Yui-sama was staring at the dying fire, and I… was doing everything else that had to be done.
I didn’t really mind. I was floating in euphoria. I looked out over the forest, and I thought about the beauty of the world. And then I knew—nothing really bad can ever happen to me. How can it, when I am so young and so strong and the pine needles smell so crisply, triangularly green? All the smells had shapes that evening, and the shapes hovered in physical space, and I located them with the skin between my fingers.
The life in the forest around me was making me feel… strange. Every whisper and scent was teasing me; I could almost taste the air as it caressed my tongue. Everything that touched me—the earth, the wind, my clothing—was tantalizing. I suddenly became very aware of my body in a way I never had before. My jaw dropped and I breathed shakily, lifting my head high and feeling my shoulders flex, feeling the motion of the setting sun as it traced my shoulders…
I knew what I ought to do. I ought to go straight up to Yui-sama and tell her how I felt. I ought to make it clear to her exactly how things stood—now, while Nakago was gone. Now, while I still possessed this sudden courage. For some reason, the little voice of inhibition didn’t try to talk me out of it. I knew it was risky, but, by Seiryuu-seikun’s power, aren’t risks what life is all about?
I grabbed the water jug and strode purposely back to the campsite, spilling water behind me and not really noticing. Yui-sama was there, sitting with her back against a tree. The horses—still saddled (damn you, Tomo!)—grazed behind her.
“Yui-sama!” I called happily. “I’ve filled the jug with water!”
Why do I say the most obvious things? I’m so dumb! “We’ll be going through the desert now, you know!” As if this one jug of water would totally solve that problem. Right.
“Why didn’t Nakago come?” she said abruptly. I swear, she has a fixation.
“He’s never left my side once all this time,” she complained angrily. “Who’s this visitor who’s more important than me?!”
“Yui-sama…”
“Forget it, we’re going back!” she said, starting to stand. “Get the horses!”
This was a very bad idea. Does Yui-sama really not understand what kind of person Nakago is?
I actually stopped her.
I set my jaw, stepped after her, and grabbed her arm with my right hand. I wanted to tell her the truth about the way he treats her. “You should stay away from Nakago!” I cried. “He can’t be trusted! He told me he would be with Soi!” I surprised myself with my ability to articulate my thoughts.
Yui-sama, it seemed, was less impressed. “Be quiet!” she said, trying to pull away. “Nakago has been with me through the worst things in my life! Now let me go!”
I had no idea what she could possibly be talking about. I dropped the jug, gathered her into my arms, and kissed her. She’s just a bit shorter than I am, and she had pulled back, so I leaned over her a little.
For an instant, it was the most wonderful moment of my life. She was so much warmer and… softer than I’d imagined. I moved my lips against hers a little, waiting for her to get over her shock and respond.
Then she started struggling, and I knew I had done something very, very bad.
She started pushing me and yelling at me to stop, but I knew if I let her go, she’d never let me get close enough to explain. I pushed her back against a tree.
“Let me go, Suboshi!” she cried in fear.
“Yui-sama, I… I love you!” I whispered.
“Stop it!” she screamed.
Maybe I would have been successful, had I just been able to hold her still until she cried herself out and collapsed in my arms.
But there was Tomo’s saccharine voice. “Suboshi,” he said, “you’ve been told not to touch the Priestess even when you’re alone.” His creepy painted face appeared on a nearby tree trunk. “If you do, we won’t be able to summon Seiryuu.”
Imagine reprimanding me about the purity of the Priestess. As if I don’t know the difference between kissing and sex!
“Tomo…” Yui-sama pulled away from me and went to him.
The worst part was that the look she gave him—a look of gratitude, trust, and admiration—was the look I’d always imagined her giving me… after I saved her from some sort of vicious attacker.
3. The Land of Honourable Death
‘Tis time this heart should be unmoved,
Since others it hath ceased to move:
Yet though I cannot be beloved,
Still let me love!
My days are in the yellow leaf;
The flowers and fruits of Love are gone;
The worm—the canker, and the grief
Are mine alone! ...
If thou regret’st thy Youth, why live?
The land of honourable Death
Is here:—up to the Field, and give
Away thy Breath!
Seek out—less often sought than found—
A Soldier’s Grave, for thee the best;
Then look around, and choose thy Ground,
And take thy Rest!
~George Gordon, Lord Byron
I stalked away. It kind of bothered me to leave the jug just lying there, with water spilling out of it, but I couldn’t go back. I guess Yui-sama or Tomo took care of it.
When I was far enough that they couldn’t see me, I started to run. I hid. I went deep into the woods, ignoring all the times I stumbled—I’m so clumsy—and all the branches that whipped my face. I just kept going up—up the mountainside.
Finally, I came to a point when I couldn’t go on anymore, not really from physical exhaustion, but more from a great, heavy emotional weariness, like… Once I was away, there was no more reason to go on. My legs sort of snapped, and I fell.
I lay on my side, curled up so that my arms hugged my knees. I burrowed under leaves, pushing my face into the dirt, and I hoped that snow would come and bury me, so I could fall asleep and die. But it doesn’t snow in Sairou; it’s too dry and warm. I knew nobody would come for me, but I wanted to be well hidden just in case they did. Anything awful was possible. No matter how implausible it seemed ordinarily.
It hurt. My chest felt like my heart had exploded and was leaking poison everywhere. In my head and arms, aching… I felt sick, like I was going to throw up. I am not exaggerating. This is the absolute truth. I truly believed that I was dying, and I prayed for death to come soon.
It’s true, of course.
I mean, what everyone thinks of me—it’s true. I am completely incompetent and worthless. And I’m not just useless—I actually make life harder for the people around me. I’ve hurt all the people I care about. My parents would probably have been able to get away if they hadn’t tried to find a place for me to hide from the soldiers. I’m always getting Soi in trouble with Nakago, and that must hurt her—she really loves him. I made My Brother miserable with looking after me, and then he DIED.
And now I’d frightened Yui-sama into hating me.
I had no idea why she reacted that way. It seemed completely irrational. Are all girls this incomprehensible, or was it only she who was so complex? Maybe it was really something obvious and easy to see, and I was just too silly or young or stupid to understand. Maybe I was really truly going crazy!
Seiryuu-seikun!
I killed infants. I killed a defenseless old man. I enjoyed it. I mean, I enjoyed the power. I ruin everything! It is I who have made the world ugly and evil! I make life torture for anyone who begins to care for me! I can’t even…
I should just die.
I closed my eyes and thought hard about nothingness. But the pain and the ugly thoughts kept pounding, pounding on my brain.
I untied my ryuuseisui from their place on my belt and set them beside me on the ground. If Seiryuu-seikun sent something to kill me in the night, I would die with glory.
I really wanted to throw up.