1. Late Remorse of Love
But I have lived, and have not lived in vain:
My mind may lose its force, my blood its fire,
And my frame perish even in conquering pain,
But there is that within me which shall tire
Torture and Time, and breathe when I expire;
Something unearthly, which they deem not of,
Like the remembered tone of a mute lyre,
Shall on their softened spirits sink, and move
In hearts all rocky now the late remorse of love.
~George Gordon, Lord Byron
I woke before sunrise again. The mountain air was cold, and I think I had awoken every few minutes due to numbness in my fingers and toes. But I do not require much sleep when I’m in this sort of mood.
I returned to camp and prepared it for the day before anyone else woke up. There was a feeling of accomplishment in this that I liked.
I could feel it all returning as I worked: the power, the grandeur, the speed… When the sun came up, my heart fell broken at my feet and I died with love for the world.
I always want to feel this way—to know I am invincible, immortal, charming, and wise. To have the courage to do anything I like, to sing at the top of my lungs and listen to the stars reply!
Even the thought of facing that freak Tomo was beginning to make me angry, so I went into my tent and lay on my blankets. They were too soft, so I rolled off and lay on my back on the hard-packed ground. I closed my eyes and just felt.
I found that I could concentrate on every area of my body at once. Everything that touched me hurt—the dead grass was sharp, my clothes were itchy—but it was a sharp, sparkling pain, and to feel it all over my body was—
My eyes shot open and I sat up. Is it weird to be so sensually affected by grass and dirt?
Some time later, I decided to go see Yui-sama. Maybe I could just apologize! I was feeling pretty hopeful. The sun was shining, after all. I scrambled to my feet and peeked out to see if Tomo was around.
He wasn’t, so I made my way to Yui-sama’s tent. I boldly pushed my way inside. When I saw her, everything hit me at once and the air that I breathed in colored my cheeks and eyes and I couldn’t look at her. But she acted normally, although she wouldn’t get too close to me, and invited me in.
She lifted the curtain to look outside. “It’s really hot out,” she sighed. She had taken off her little jacket. I guess in her world, there aren’t such temperature extremes. “The only thing to do until sunset is sleep.”
“That’s right,” I replied, trying to think of a conversational subject that would interest her. “I don’t think Nakago and Soi will come back while the sun is still up.”
“I see,” she said. I closed my eyes painfully, gathering my courage.
“Yui-sama… Are you angry with me? About last night?” I closed my eyes again. “Please believe me!” I hurried on. “I wasn’t joking before! I really do love—“
“Stop that!” she commanded furiously, getting to her feet. “You don’t know anything about me! What were you planning do to if we hadn’t stopped?! You’re just like those men!”
I had no idea what she was talking about. I looked up at her in confusion. “Those men…?”
She told me that when she first arrived in Kutou, alone and confused, she had been raped by a couple of men on the street. Seiryuu-seikun! Nakago had said she was attacked, but I thought that just meant…
I was going to kill them.
Fuck! Nakago already did.
Why wasn’t I the one to find her? I probably would have gotten there in time. Nakago’s a fucking incompetent ass! He probably didn’t even care about what happened to her. Can you imagine his kind of comfort? What did he say to her? I hate him!
“You were raped…?” I asked stupidly. I was so shocked. “When you came to this world, by men in downtown Kutou?”
I have got to stop this annoying habit of repeating what other people have just said.
“It can’t be true. It can’t!” I cried. Because the Priestess has to be a virgin. And because… that would be just too awful.
She fell to her knees and started crying. “You think I would make something like this up?! If you understand, you’ll stop this.”
I can’t believe she believes that she’s not good enough for me! I can’t believe she believes that no one can ever love her! How could they make her believe that? How could they be so… so… disrespectful? They did to her a thing that I won’t even let my mind do. She’s too beautiful, too good, to… What they did was not only evil; it was disgusting, and… and ugly.
“It was Miaka’s fault,” Yui-sama continued. "If I hadn’t helped her to escape from this world, I never would have come here myself! That’s right… It’s all Miaka’s fault! And now she and Tamahome are…!”
Yui-sama was panicking and irrational. Of course, she didn’t make much sense, but I believed her. Honestly, could anyone expect Yui-sama to give me so much information? It’s obviously a very painful subject for her.
“Miaka…” I murmured. “The Priestess of Suzaku caused you this suffering?!” I looked her straight in the eye. “Yui-sama,” I said, “no matter what happened to you, my feelings haven’t changed! So I swear I’ll never forgive anyone who has caused you pain!”
I was too angry to stay inside. I got to my feet and stalked off.
“Suboshi… Where are you going?” she asked, sort of fearfully.
“I’ll be back soon,” I said with a morbidly pleasant feeling of overdramatic doom.
I had to decide what to do, and I had to work off some of the fury that was making all of me electric with vengeance. Suzaku no miko had to die.
I guess I was gone longer than I’d expected. I’d gone out into the desert to practice with my ryuuseisui. All I could think of was Suzaku no miko and Yui-sama and… argh! I was angry and frustrated and… maybe a little bit jealous. But I ignored the jealousy and focused on the anger. I invented a whole bunch of new attacks.
The sun had changed when Yui-sama came for me. Nakago had come back, she said, and he was severely hurt. In Nakago’s tent, Yui-sama and Soi were fussing over him as if he actually wanted their sympathy. His shoulder did look really bad, I had to admit. I just wished Yui-sama would pay such attention to me.
“I did some emergency treatment for it on the way here,” said Soi, “but he’s still badly hurt.”
“Then let’s rest here for a while!” said Yui-sama.
“We mustn’t do that,” said Nakago. “We must get to Sairou quickly.”
“No!” said Yui-sama, firmly. “Not while you’re this badly hurt! That’s an order!”
We all looked at her. She just overrode Nakago’s plans and decided that we would stay until he healed. A decision on her own! Good for Yui-sama! Soi seemed happy. It was really sad the way she fawned over him, desperately offering herself up like a cheap trinket. Nakago deserves whatever he got.
“As you wish,” said Nakago indifferently.
His shoulder was really disgusting. “It’s practically melted!” I said, as I turned away from the gruesome sight. “Who could have done that?”
I turned away to hide a grin. It really served him right!
2. Wisdom. It Is Pain
I see at last that all the knowledge
I wrung from the darkness—that the darkness flung me—
Is worthless as ignorance: nothing comes from nothing,
The darkness from the darkness. Pain comes from the darkness
And we call it wisdom. It is pain.
~Randall Jarrell
Then, after all of that had settled down, I felt My Brother’s ki.
It’s not a mistake. I know that ki like my own reflection.
I’m in the desert, alone, and I know what Nakago will say to me, and I know what’s going to happen.
This explains why I didn’t feel the sharp pain, like I did was Ashitare died.
He’s not dead. He’s not dead. Has he been unconscious? Or… hiding? Why hasn’t he tried to contact me? Something’s obviously happened to him to prevent him from remembering me. Seiryuu-seikun, he’s probably injured. Amnesiac. In a coma. Oh gods, what if he’s dying now?!
And he’s close, so close… I should have sensed his presence! Even with his seishi powers hidden, I’m his twin brother! I should have known where he was!
Oh, no. I know what this means.
My Brother is somewhere, obviously hiding. If he weren’t, he’d have tried to contact me. He would have only used his ki if it were absolutely necessary to heal someone. I remember being sick, not so long ago in the Kutou palace… He leaned over me, placed his lips over mine, and blew into me the breath of life. It was not unlike a kiss…
If he’s really hiding somewhere, I pray to all the gods that Nakago did not just feel what I felt. …Who am I trying to fool? He must have felt it. Maybe he was too busy, though, or distracted. Or maybe the pain in his shoulder… Or maybe Nakago already knows about My Brother and has been lying to me the whole time! I wouldn’t put it past him. He’s a lying, two-faced sneak. I know very well that My Brother would do anything Nakago asked, even hide from me, if Nakago threatened to hurt me.
I hate myself for being less devoted. I was so concerned with my own life that I neglected him!
I’m picking up stones and arranging them in rows and pulling out my hair, trying to make myself more symmetrical. Somehow, I just won’t be able to be comfortable until everything is well placed.
Okay, okay, okay. What I am I going to do? I have to go to him; he probably needs me. I could try to send him a message, but what if he’s being watched? Should I tell Nakago, or just go? I can’t decide. All of the options seem equally viable; there’s no reason to choose one over another, and my mind is working so slowly!
I can’t even decide whether to stand or sit. It doesn’t matter! Nothing does. I’m just so overwhelmed. Why am I so out of control? Why isn’t there someone to tell me what’s happening to me?
I need My Brother!
And if I find him, what then? I can’t stand in front of him and look him in the eye, not knowing what I’ve done. I’ve shamed him, and after he tried so hard to make me into a good person… Oh, oh, oh gods, he doesn’t know what I’ve done. He doesn’t even know that I use curse words. How am I supposed to explain to him that I am the source of all evil?
Oh, gods, if I had known My Brother was alive… I should have known, damn it all, if I had done my duty as a brother and known… We could have gone for him, and summoned Seiryuu-seikun, and everything would have been fine. There would have been peace, like he always wanted, and Yui-sama would have been made whole again, and maybe some of us seishi would have been given back our broken lives. And we would all be free of Nakago! And Ashitare wouldn’t have died!
And I wouldn’t have killed four innocent children and an old man.
Oh… my… sweet… Seiryuu. I did that for nothing. I am completely evil, I am!
All the ugliness in the world is MY FAULT.
All of the poets quoted in this piece suffered from bipolar disorder.